This is childhood. For many, the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles (or simply the Turtles) were both inescapable and beloved. This is a true franchise, beyond mere movies…an all-encompassing media empire that at its height ruled every outlet. Let’s see what there was…comic books, toys, video games, TV shows, food tie-ins, trading cards, clothing, concerts, themed attractions and, yes, the movies. As the ‘80s transitioned to the ‘90s, the Turtles were everywhere, a perfect action-adventure team for the kiddies, and a perfect product to siphon their parents’ money.
It seems redundant to explain who the Turtles are. They are four humanoid turtles, mutants in fact – formed from green radioactive waste, if you must ask – famed for both their ninjitsu mastery and their teenage demeanors. Really, it’s all in the title. They live in the sewers of New York with their sensei rat, Master Splinter, and battle the Shredder, an evil overlord who plans to do…something with his Foot Clan, Technodrome, Krang, Bebop and Rocksteady, any number of other things which can be turned into toys. Named after some of the great Renaissance masters, the Turtles include boring leader Leonardo (blue, katanas), hotheaded Raphael (red, sais), gadget whiz Donatello (purple, bō staff), and dated but awesome surfer dude Michelangelo (orange, nunchaku). What, no Botticelli?!
…Actually, in retrospect I guess this is a bit stranger than I’d once thought – though it’s hard to look at the Turtles without nostalgia glasses. But there’s a good reason for the titular reptiles’ oddities…
They’re supposed to be parodies! Created as an independent, stiflingly low-budget, black & white, self-published comic book by Kevin Eastman and Peter Laird, the Turtles were meant as an amalgamation pastiche of notable comic trends of the early ‘80s: basically, “Daredevil,” “New Mutant,” “Cerebus,” “Ronin,” many of these I’m not nerdy enough to recognize.
With a very limited run, “Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles” wasn’t meant as anything more than a one-off – until the comic grew in popularity, for indefinable reasons having to do with the Turtles’ innate awesomeness (also radicalness, bodaciousness, etc.). In 1986, success began for the “Turtles” the only way it could for an ostensibly-children’s property at the time: it became a toy line. Playmate Toys wished to go the “Transformers” route and put together a line of action figures, with a TV show to advertize them, toys to advertize the TV show, it’s all a great little Ouroboros . But we don’t care for artistic integrity, for no one badmouths the Turtles! (I for one always preferred the “Turtles” to the somewhat earlier “Transformers.” I was also the sort of boy who wanted to be a dinosaur, not a truck, those being a boy’s only two early life options.)
The 1987 animated series, “Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles,” is what the Turtles are best known for, to this day (for me). For one thing, it defined the “Turtle” universe in far more expansive terms than Eastman’s and Laird’s comics – For a so-called “parody,” it’s a little strange that the serious cartoon show is actually funnier. Some of the ideas the show spearheaded: “cowabunga,” Heroes in a Half-Shell, Turtle Power, the love of pizza, Krang and Baxter Stockman and the Rat King and basically all the other enemies not having directly to do with ninjas.
The show ran for the better part of a decade, and was enormously influential on children’s popular culture – witness “Battletoads,” “Street Sharks,” “Extreme Dinosaurs” (ugh, “extreme”!), “Biker Mice from Mars,” 3 Ninjas, Surf Ninjas… Konami’s video games derived directly from the TV series, from the NES’s outrageously difficult first effort, to the blissful SNES “Turtles in Time” (and the arcade). Turtle Mania was everywhere!
It isn’t surprising that a live action movie popped up in this midst. Positing the Turtles in a non-cartoon context, what self-respecting lad wouldn’t want a piece of this?! Curiously enough, the tone 1990’s Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles takes is quite a bit closer to the original Mirage Comics than to anything from the TV series. Elements are carried over from the show, quite wisely considering most fans would only know the Turtles from that format (and its connected merchandise). So the Turtles retain their totally gnarly, excellent early ‘90s idioms, as well as the show’s brilliant move to give them all distinguishing headbands and personalities.
Otherwise, it’s rather a bit darker than cartoon fans would expect, with an emphasis upon relatively down-to-earth ninja antics (the Turtles and Master Splinter being the sole fantastical elements). This means Foot Clan yes, the Shredder yes, but Krang, Bebop, Rocksteady et al, all gone. In live action, such sci-fi fantasy notions would be much harder to pull off, understandably, but try to picture kids’ dismay at what then appears, in essence, a reduced “Turtle” product. Of course the ninja groove is itself mighty fun.
The most impressive thing about Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles are the Turtles themselves, which is as it should be. The four are completely practical effects, full-scale humans in suits. It cannot be stressed enough how important that is, how it grounds the Turtles more than any far-flung future CGI ever could. Of course, as ninjas, the Turtles are rather hampered by the capabilities of those behind the suits – they’re slower than usual martial artists. But it doesn’t matter, because they’re the Turtles! And credit to the besuited suit actors, David Forman, Josh Pais, Leif Tilden, Michelan Sisti.
Credit to the Turtle’s also goes to Jim Henson’s Creature Shop, which created fully-mobile animatronic heads atop the world’s most professional quartet of Godzilla suits. It seems a little jerky twenty years later, but these were real, human-sized turtles. It was completely believable (okay, the nostalgia’s gonna be my nemesis with this stuff).
The final piece of the Turtle puzzle: the voice actors. Josh Pais gets the biggest props, for doing Raphael’s body and voice. Others include: as Leonardo Brian Tochi (of Revenge of the Nerds and Police Academy “fame”), as Michelangelo Robbie Rist (Cousin Oliver on “The Brady Bunch,” holy schnikeys!)…and as Donatello – oh, oh…oh my! Corey Feldman! Man, I used to like Donatello! And I’ve said my fill on Feldman before.
The plot of Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles isn’t particularly surprising to anyone who immediately understands a write-up of the franchise’s premise. It’s mostly an origin story (as a comic book movie, what other choice has it got?). This allows the characters to meet each other for the first time, and for us to simply bask in the world of the Ninja Turtles.
TV reporter April O’Neil (Judith Hoag) is our window into this reptilian world. At the start, New York is helpless in the grip of a dread wave of petty crimes, mostly electronics robberies and the like. Yeah, the Turtle baddies are the same as the Fast and the Furious goodies/baddies/screw that movie. April’s theory is this is the work of Japan’s ancient secret society, the Foot Clan. Of course it is, they’re a regular “Turtle” element!
Apparent Foot head (heh heh) Tatsu (Toshishiro Obata, martial artist and swordsman and honest-to-goodness descendent of samurai, could this movie get any more awesome?!) demands the Foot stomp out April. About that Foot. Their headquarters (heh heh) is an old warehouse. Their members are the dregs of New York’s disenfranchised teenage population (of the non-mutant, non-turtle kind, and only-provisionally-ninja variety). That element is…morally gonna make this a lot more awkward than the show’s Foot Clan robots. It’s mostly pretty petty, this cinematic Foot Clan, but it is a kids’ film already criticized for its violence. Give ‘em a break.
Rather randomly, look for a young Sam “Iron Man 2” Rockwell as “Head Thug,” bad teenage beard growth and all!
So some Foots (or is that Feet?) descend upon April in the subways. In a scene that’d be just as home in The Warriors, lone-wolf Turtle Raphael (or Raph – yeah, let’s go with that) rescues April. Like any monster of the ‘30s worth his salt, Raph’s next move is to carry the unconscious young woman back to his secret chamber. While we’ve already seen the Turtles previously, this is April’s big Turtle introduction, aided by Master Splinter (voice of Elmo itself, Kevin Clash) in a suddenly expository mood. Origin come of ooze, a rat trained baby turtles the knowledge of his former Master Yoshi, a love of pizza and surfer lingo acquired independently, if you grew up in the ‘80s, you know the drill.
April grows to love the Turtles, and vice versa, in a totally platonic way, save for Michelangelo’s creepy stalker jokes. (Mike loses some of the show’s goofiness, in the film’s overall dark tone.) The quartet of reptiles accompanies April to her apartment (see image way far above), as meanwhile the Foot walks into Splinter’s lair, and captures him for their master…
THE SHREDDER (James Saito)!
Old Shred Head’s intro is suitably menacing, and one senses the walking can opener could really do some damage in a non-PG movie. Let us ignore the Darth Vader overtones, which are brazen enough to include a bellowing of “I am your father!” Given physical gravitas, the Shredder is actually more intimidating here than in the show, even stripped of his more pretentious accoutrements. And upon learning of four mostly innocuous mutant turtles, the Shredder knows his duty in life: to randomly persecute those turtles until the end of time. Hell, that works, it’s simple, the Shredder vs. the Turtles – Sometimes a simple plotline can be a blessing.
For the real focus is the Turtles’ life with April, which combines Henson’s puppet artistry with the tenor of a stoner comedy – which would explain a lot about the Turtles. There is some character study, such as it is, directed almost entirely upon Raph. Hell, he’s always been the most interesting Turtle, as Mike and Don are the comic relief (hence underutilized in the movie), and Leo’s just kinda boring. A loner type, Raph angsts for their lost Master Splinter in isolation up on the rooftop. This puts Raph square within reach of a rash of Foot, as the trio of turtle siblings downstairs yucks it up in ironic ignorance.
Until Raph tumbles unconscious down into April’s apartment. The Foot fall in, in time for the film’s centerpiece action sequence. The Turtles fight Foot fools ferociously throughout the unit, and in the antique store below. This allows a mighty amount of prop-fu, as much as those Turtle suits will allow (mobility and stonedness and all). It also sees the Foots wield any number of weapons instantly recognizable from the video games.
So, most of the film’s criticisms at the time were about its violence, surprising considering how watered down it is from the comic form (of which this is mainly an adaptation). But it was advertized as a kids’ film, so the idea of full-blooded physical confrontations could be off-putting to the rainbows and fluffy animal set. Then there’s the word “damn,” with which Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles outclasses Gone With the Wind by a magnitude of five (or so)!
Anyway, the Turtles dodge axe blows as April’s home roasts in a blazing inferno, brainwashed underage ninja assassins receiving numerous concussions – It’s a family flick! And despite their mutated, reptilian prowess, the Turtles are nearly done for when –
- Casey Jones bursts through the front door and –
Oh right, I forgot to mention Casey Jones.
See, Casey Jones (Elias Kotias) is himself a masked vigilante type. The guy is taken to wearing an evil hockey mask (should be familiar to Feldman), and is only capable of fighting with sports equipment – hockey stick, baseball bat, cricket bat, golf club, anything the “Turtles’” name can be emblazoned upon. Most importantly, he takes up the slack from the Turtles in the romance department, so April can avoid that icky bestiality issue which lingers over this movie rather worse than the violence.
Okay, so the Turtles and their human buddies retreat to April’s old farm house upstate, which is something I totally don’t remember from 1990. It’s far removed from everything one thinks of when thinking of the Turtles – sewers, basically. At this stage, the Shredder pretty much gives up looking for the Turtles, and the Turtles themselves forget about the Shredder. See, not much with the plot, eh? This is rather a chance for recovery, mostly for Raph. To his already-gnawing anger and loss add helplessness and physical injury, and no outlet for any of this – Wow, this movie is dark! But darkness isn’t a problem, children like that, and there’s plenty of Turtle Per Minute (TPM) to help us through the iffy patches.
Meanwhile, Master Splinter remains in the clutches of the vile Shredder, surrounded by a bunch of eXtreme youths skating their skateboards and practicing their ninja. Splinter meets with the Shredder, and the final key of the rat’s origin story comes out – in flashback. For back in Japan, Splinter’s human Master Yoshi fought with his rival Oroku Saki over the love of a woman and – okay, it’s basically the back story to The Karate Kid Part II. For what is Splinter but another variation on that decade’s assorted ersatz Miyagis, his “profound” wisdom less genuine and more imitative? But Master Splinter is awesome, because he trained the Turtles, and the Turtles are the greatest that which can be thought. … Oh, and Oroku Saki killed Master Yoshi (and the nameless female), and Saki is really…the Shredder! (What, you saw that coming?)
That’s all well and good, but it still leaves the Turtles in their countryside terrarium. Good thing Master Splinter appears to Leo in a meditative state. Then Leo summons his brothers, and all receive their kindly father rat’s final ninja lessons. “The greatest truth of the ninja: Ultimate mastery comes not of the body, but of the mind.”
Thank goodness for that deus ex ratina, for the Turtles are returning to New York! They wish to hunt down the Shredder, notions of bloody revenge stated vaguely enough so this family movie has deniability. It’s not a very strong desire, at any rate, for the Turtles’ first act is to return to their sewer and fall asleep…What?! Do something guys! You know, Turtle Power and all!...
Sigh. I guess proactive Ninja Turtles is too much to ask for, not when there are humans who can take much of the dramatic heft. Anyway, the Shredder reenters the picture as – Okay, there’s this human child I haven’t mentioned yet, Danny (Michael Turney), who gets the bulk of the climactic arc, because apparently human children in the audience cannot identify with the four irascible Turtles they came here to see. So Danny is somewhat bound with the Foot (he’s the one who ratted out Splinter, as it were). But now Danny wishes to do right, to free Master Splinter. He heads back to the Foot’s locker, Casey Jones follows him, as the Turtles sleep snugly.
These humans, then, Danny and Casey Jones, rescue Splinter, as the Shredder learns of the Turtles’ return. Turtles who have resolutely refused to do him any damage! So the Shredder gathers his Foot, as much as he can foot, and invades the Turtle sewer lair he already knows about. And while we get a mighty climactic showdown between our beloved Turtles and all the baddies, it would’ve been nice had the Turtles been responsible for this event in any way whatsoever!
So the plot is light to the point of near nonexistence, as blatant screenwriting tricks (i.e. Danny) have engineered a battle for our heroes. But once the fight is on, it does not matter, for now it’s Turtles kicking Foot, even fighting upon skateboards in the sewer. The brain happily shuts down in the unfiltered early ‘90s radicalness of all this! Awesome, dudes!
At last the Turtles face the Shredder on a rooftop, a test of ninja skills with Master Yoshi’s honor hanging in the balance. The Shredder very nearly makes turtle soup out of our mutated heroes, until…
Master Splinter is there, with a Princess Bride-esque account of the wrongs the Shredder has done him. Splinter vs. Shredder, this ought to be epic like a Yoda fight, and not laughable like an actual Yoda fight. The greatest hindrance is Splinter’s puppetry, as he’s not even a man-in-suit like the teenaged Testudines. This has the chance to be like Kermit’s swashbuckling in Muppet Treasure Island. For while Splinter’s sudden victory is anticlimactic, what could they have done really? And the Shredder dies like so many an unconscious hobo in my neighborhood, crushed inside a garbage truck.
Readopting surfer slang that was itself appropriated from “The Howdy Doody Show,” Splinter coins “cowabunga.” Having “made a funny,” the Turtles embrace to a strangely-tolerable early ‘90s rap soundtrack (headed by M.C. Power and Partners in Kryme). Hold onto that “good rap” distinction while you can.
In fact, hold onto that overall sense of quality, for Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles is far better than most adaptations of such properties could hope to be. Considering the budget (and this was an independent film), it would be too much to ask for the awesomeness of the Technodrome and its like. Rather, perhaps it was wise to go with the relatively more personal comic book approach, darkness and all. This earns the picture gravity, surely a hard thing for any superhero property prior to the ‘00s. This is perhaps the finest hour for director Steve Barron, with the possible exception of a-ha’s “Take On Me” video. (Turtles and a-ha – the man defined two decades!)
As was Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles successful? Do turtles like pizza? Hoo-boy yes it was! With $200 million worldwide, the Turtles were the most successful independent film ever at the time, a fact which surprises the hell out of me. It is a Golden Harvest production, those being the Hong Kong-based guys behind the Once Upon a Time in China and Police Story franchises. So they’re already comfortable with sequels, just what Turtles needs – And could we get some more mutants here, guys?
We end with a sampling of some of the film’s idiomatic Turtle slang, which is either good or bad depending upon your tolerance for nostalgic signifiers:
Dudes, dudettes, awesome, righteous, bossa nova (bossa nova?!), excellent, radical, babe, bummer, shell shock, far-out, bodacious, gnarly, wicked, cowabunga!
Related posts:
• No. 2 Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles II: The Secret of the Ooze (1991)
• No. 3 Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles III (1993)
• No. 4 TMNT (2007)
No comments:
Post a Comment