Cats, Cobras, Dragons, I do like this new direction in Chan titles. It surely beats the hell out of Charlie Chan in Waukegan, or whatever.
Of course the movie sucks. Other highly-influential Charlie Chan opinion makers would have me believe this is one of Monogram’s worst Chansterpieces, while The Shanghai Cobra is one of their best. That’s a pretty esoteric distinction, they’re both very crappy. This one’s just a little more boring, really, but I don’t think watching a single Charlie Chan film has ever made me have an emotion; writing about them, though, fills me with rage.
I’ll try to be quick in this write-up, for I have better things to do – watching the next Charlie Chan movie after this. The Red Dragon is set in Mexico City, indicated by one whole time-killing minute of stock footage in the beginning, and absolutely nothing else to follow. Oh, and two of the actors attempt accents so poor, the ass isn’t even half – it’s sixteenth-assed! There’s not much ass in this movie.
One of those vaguely accented, “Hispanic” actors is Fortunio Bonanova – whose name roughly translates to “Hugely Enormously Freakishly Lucky.” This actor is a former intellectual and revolutionary, who ran around with the likes of Luis Borges. He was in Double Indemnity and freaking Citizen Kane – What is he doing here?! Playing Inspector Luis Carvero, that’s what. For now, Carvero is standing idle in a hotel, awaiting murder. Then a shot rings out. He has murder!
Walter Dorn is killed at his typewriter. Here are the facts: 1 shot, 2 bullets, 0 guns. With his dying breath, Dorn types out an exceedingly helpful clue: “TH E$M OST”
Sidney Toler’s Charlie Chan has just arrived, just because. Tommy Chan (Benson Fong) is also here, just because. And Birmingham Brown is – Birmingham’s not here. Nope, Mantan Moreland must’ve been off having an actual career, for here’s his cousin instead, Chattanooga Brown. Let us also not forget Orlando Brown, New Orleans Brown, Baton Rouge Brown, and the elitist New York City Brown. Why, if someone today was insensitive enough to give an African American such a name …wait, Cleveland Brown? Way to go, MacFarlane!
Chattanooga is played by Willie Best, who lies somewhere between Stepin Fetchitt and Mantan Moreland on the Great Racist Sambo Stereotype scale. Still, let us not lambast Best boastfully for taking the roles available to him – sensitive, humanistic films like Minstrel Days and (Oh God!) Blondie on a Budget. In Bob Hope’s estimation, Best was the best, and might’ve made something of himself in another era. Sadly, as it is, Best is limited to being an obese faux-Asian dick’s third banana when the regular servant is away.
Here’s the motive for doing in Dorn: He was an American scientist, fictionally responsible for the never-named-here Manhattan Project. Chan exposits about the discovery of two new elements for the A-bomb, plutonium and neptunium. Why thanks, ‘40s Wikipedia! Presumably, Dorn has discovered a hypothetical new 95th element – You mean americium, which was actually found a year before The Red Dragon was made? Whatever, this imaginary 95th element could create a bomb, oh, let’s say 10 times larger than the A-bomb – the B-bomb. Funny, I hear “B-bomb,” I think of Chan!
This is one of those suspect-heavy Chans, which seems to be an every-other thing for Monogram. I’ve now officially lost the desire to recap all these people with the sudden artlessness director Phil Rosen seems fond of. Funny, I used to be sick of the formulaic inclusion of a lovebird couple in every entry; now, 35 movies in, I’m just tired of suspects. Gah, only twelve more to go!
Oh, but there is something interesting about this group (to me, at least): There’s NO Paul in this bunch! Huzzah! Hip hip hooray! WHOO! No Paul! I wrote, long ago, that when this presumably-fantastical day would come, I would get noticeably intoxicated. Time to start sippin’ now, see if it shows up by the end of this review.
[Opening the bottle, pouring drink.]
That chemistry lab up there? Yeah, that’s the same one as last time. I’ve now seen enough Monogram Pictures to effectively pick out their recycled sets. What little visual interest their movies have is quickly receding.
[Pause to drink.]
Let’s speed this nonsense up! All our characters run through a lengthy “suspense” sequence in the hotel’s basement, for specific reasons I now forget and cannot parse out from my notes – it has something to do with finding Dorn’s missing papers, revealing the 95th element. And here’s another problem with Monogram’s cheapjack production methods: With the whole cast stumbling listlessly through an ill-identified setting, very confused geography crops up. It’s like how confusing action movies are due to the editing, only here with shots lasting 30 seconds. A skilled director would struggle with such resources, so just imagine how SOL Monogram’s directors were.
[Sip.]
Then one of the suspects, Alfred Wyans (Robert E. Keane), is shot dead. Second murder – Check!
We go over to Crime Lab™, an up-and-coming formula element in these Mono-Chans, which is honestly doing like 95% of the work now – Chan’s still taking all the credit, of course. It’s like Q to James Bond. Anyway, they have the explanation for these gun-free shootings. These are self-launching bullets. [Sip.] Simply slip one into your enemy’s shirt pocket and – presto! – instant future-corpse! Seemingly, these bullets are triggered the instant someone utters “I know who the killer is.” (That’s the quickest way to ensure your death in a mystery flick – it’s like having stoned sex in a horror movie.)
[Glug glug glug! Ahh!]
This is the “Countess” Irena (Marjorie Hoshelle), doing something I last saw in the early Fox Chans – stalling the plot dead for an extensive song and dance number (presumably, no Monogram actresses up ‘til now were talented enough to warrant such a pit stop). Seeing as it’s the ‘40s, Irena’s song is notably slow and stuporous, unaided by the fact both she and the camera seem allergic to motion. “My Heart is You,” the song is called. [Guzzle!]
Irena’s warbling ceased, the plot can resume – if by “plot,” you mean “killing someone.” Irena is shot dead by the same autonomous bullet technique as the rest. And just like the horror genre, the more corpses a Chan movie waggles at you, the worse it usually is. This is our third, a good one or two more than we usually get. Tommy, of course, is ecstatic; he loves it when other people die! Chattanooga is terrified, because that’s all movies from this era think black people are.
Hilariously, the next murder attempt is on Chan (okay, it was obvious that would happen – it’s the 40 minute mark and all). What’s funny, apart from Chan’s miraculous and unexplained survival, is Tommy’s response: “They tried to kill Charlie Chan, and almost got his son…That’s me!” It’s as though Tommy has suddenly ceased experiencing these Chan films as a disembodied, omniscient observer (that’s me), and become aware of his own presence! He’s pretty dumb!
[Gulp! Gulp! Slow, steady breath.]
Well, we’re 3/4ths of the way through – I’d say it’s about time for Chan to examine the scarce clues he’s been given. One clue is a bottle of Chinese Red Dragon Ink – ah, the titular “Red Dragon,” far less awesome than I’d assumed. This ink leads him to a Chinese artist, Iris Ling (Jean Wong). Here’s the best part of the movie, such as it is – in order to question the girl, Chan must dance with her. Not just any dance. The rumba! Marvel!, O ye peons, as Sidney Toler’s corpulent, inflexible husk spasms to a hot Latin beat! Poor Toler, a mere two years away from cancer death (spoiler), is clearly in no physical state to properly perform this scene; that somehow makes it far more entertaining.
While all that is befouling a four-inch window on my computer screen, Crime Lab™ has been busy resolving the mystery. They’ve cleaned up the non-Chinese ink on a “strange” slip of paper Dorn left behind, discovering the missing element. Nice job, Chan, way to [guzzle guzzle guzzle].
There’s one other clue to resolve, and Chan’ll work it out the instant he puts his mind to it – which is why it’s been delayed ‘til now. Otherwise we’d have a 12 minute Chan flick (my greatest hope and dream). Dorn’s last message (“TH E$M OST”)? Well, it turns out it means… “THERMOSTAT.” Why, that makes sense!...More sense than text speak, at any rate. And so it means the thermostat nearby is the triggering mechanism for the pocket bullets.
[Pouring another glass. Glug glug.]
[Triumphant belch!]
That still doesn’t leave us with much to work with, but – Hey, look! Chan’s having a shootout! Oh yeah, that’s right, the Mono-Chans don’t end with intelligence, but with action sequences. Either would be presented ineptly, but at least this is a change of pace. So the killer, whoever he is, iis firing off attt Chann down in g8tgat damn basemntb wihtr an actual gun – (Hey! I thinks I’m now oofficially drunks!).
Chan wanderfs through the warehosuue Raiders (Raiders mioght’ve actual;ly been refetenceing Monongram with it!), when the killller tries to get dhte drop on Chan – literllally. Ah hah hah HAH! [Sip.]
Alright,s, whate’er, the killeer is Joe Bradish (Barton Yarborough), nan oil salesman whohoh haperohnsd ttoupb jkberg= sgioukfv ihdoea Wqvfvb D…Zcxfpg fstki;ouli ep[dw a21K JNH WTE5R6N7…
[Passing out.]
[Zzzz…]
Related posts:
• No. 3 Behind That Curtain (1929)
• No. 4 Charlie Chan Carries On (1931)
• No. 5 The Black Camel (1931)
• No. 9 Charlie Chan in London (1934)
• No. 10 Charlie Chan in Paris (1935)
• No. 11 Charlie Chan in Egypt (1935)
• No. 12 Charlie Chan in Shanghai (1935)
• No. 13 Charlie Chan’s Secret (1936)
• No. 14 Charlie Chan at the Circus (1936)
• No. 15 Charlie Chan at the Race Track (1936)
• No. 16 Charlie Chan at the Opera (1936)
• No. 17 Charlie Chan at the Olympics (1937)
• No. 18 Charlie Chan on Broadway (1937)
• No. 19 Charlie Chan at Monte Carlo (1938)
• No. 20 Charlie Chan in Honolulu (1938)
• No. 21 Charlie Chan in Reno (1939)
• No. 22 Charlie Chan at Treasure Island (1939)
• No. 23 City in Darkness (1939)
• No. 24 Charlie Chan in Panama (1940)
• No. 25 Charlie Chan at the Wax Museum (1940)
• No. 26 Charlie Chan’s Murder Cruise (1940)
• No. 27 Murder Over New York (1940)
• No. 28 Dead Men tell (1941)
• No. 29 Charlie Chan in Rio (1941)
• No. 30 Castle in the Desert (1942)
• No. 31 Charlie Chan in the Secret Service (1944)
• No. 32 The Chinese Cat (1944)
• No. 33 Meeting at Midnight (1944)
• No. 34 The Shanghai Cobra (1945)• No. 36 The Scarlet Clue (1945)
• No. 37 The Jade Mask (1945)
• No. 38 Dark Alibi (1946)
• No. 40 Dangerous Money (1946)
• No. 41 The Trap (1946)
• No. 42 The Chinese Ring (1947)
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