As it stands, Maciste and the Queen of Samar is an unappetizing prospect, a Maciste movie from the absolute peplum doldrums. But one’s enthusiasm lifts immeasurably when considering the ingenious title it got saddled with in the U.S.
HERCULES AGAINST THE MOON MEN!
Even as promising as that title is, I’m not takin’ any chances, not after watching in essence the same Mongol movie twice. Despite possessing a nigh-unwatchable SciFi Classics 50 Movie Pack copy, I went the safe route. I went the “MST3K” route…for the third time. Not that it benefits you.
And I’m glad I did. Not only is this a classic episode of “Mystery Science Theater 3000,” it is classic for reasons having almost entirely to do with how horrible Hercules Against the Moon Men (Maciste or no, I prefer that title) is. This is a movie that nearly broke Joel and the bots, with its patented DEEP HURTING, a system of inanities which is extreme even for a peplum of 1964.
But still, that title holds some promise. It rather recalls the “Simpsons” joke on this movie (yeah, they’ve mocked everything): “Academy Award Theater now returns to Hercules Conquers the Martians!” That would be the implication, at any rate, that Moon Men shall be a mighty mash-up of shirtless sword-and-sandals shenanigans, and rubbery ‘50s-style sci-fi ridiculousness. It’d still be stupid, oh Lord yes, but with the je ne sais quoi of an effortlessly watchable horrible B-movie, like The Mysterians specifically…or at least it’d possess the anti-anti-badness of a Robot Monster or Teenagers From Outer Space. Such a line of thinking leads to dismay.
For Moon Men invokes damn well NO science fiction, at least none more than prior pepla. The “Moon Men” themselves are rather mythological elementals, given power by the full moon the way the Atlaneans of Hercules and the Captive Women sapped power from Uranus – and yes, there’s a little more gigglesome talk about “angering Uranus” in this one. These volcano-dwelling Moon Men have an agreement with the otherwise titular Queen of Samar, Samara (Jany Clair, of 79 A.D. and FX 18), for de rigueur blood sacrifices, virgin or no, they’re not picky.
Actually, in appearance these Moon Men resemble certain creatures from Mario Bava’s Hercules in the Haunted World – the best example of this whole accursed genre...delivered with an iota of the flair, and looking rather luchadore-like too. If only the Moon Men had over a minute of cumulative screen time. No matter, the mere notion of overt fantasy in a Maciste flick is novel, even when it’s crummy. But one expects nothing less in the desultory final film of Giancomo Gentilomo, the mastermind of Brennus, Enemy of Rome and Goliath and the Vampires.
This doesn’t really affect most of the movie, which is a crying shame. The rest concerns either Maciste or Hercules – and I’m goin’ with Hercules with this one – either way, Alan Steel, dodging Queen Samara’s murder attempts. She wants Hercules dead because only he can stop her Moon union…but he only intends to stop it because she tries killing him. Do these villains never learn how to not court their inevitable defeat?! Hercules defeats her many non-Moon minions with insulting ease, letting out a hearty chortle with his hands on his hips most of the time – God, Alan Steel so desperately wants to be Steve Reeves, doesn’t he?
AD BREAK
Let’s talk formula: Queen Samara is already undoubtedly our essential seductress type. (By the way, this so-called Kingdom of Samar? That can only be in the Philippines, which is as stupid as Mongols in Spain.) A subplot must handle the good girl romance, which Herc shan’t be taking part in. It’s an affair between two asinine lovers, the girl whose name I didn’t even catch, and Darix (Jean-Pierre Honoré – it’s a French co-production, and it shows).
Oh, no, wait, I was wrong! There is an insipid “good girl” for Hercules too, so what was the damn use of that secondary love story? At least “MST3K” has the good grace to shorten these movies to fit their format, and that section likely got a hefty snip. Hercules trots on over already to the Samarian palace, and meets Agar the Bland (Anna Maria Polani, whose beauty is marred by a very strange eyeball growth). And Agar?! Do they even know what these names mean?
So Agar exposits to Hercules the mightily complicated (not!) Moon Man mission, which we’ve already learnt ourselves via a disembodied narrator – efficiency! The Herc, for no reason but for the set piece, exits the palace the hard way, through a trap-filled cavern which is at least more Raiders of the Lost Ark than Temple of Doom, as most pepla rather resemble the sequel.
SKIT BREAK
DEEP HURTING…
AD BREAK
Hercules fights an ape monster, which resembles the same rotten ape suit from 6 years ago, having not gone through the wash a single time since. With fangs now affixed to it. And okay, sure, there is some dedication in this Maciste to monsterism, but it pales compared to the whole-scale beasties of yore.
Then Hercules breaks some bars. This happens in entries where he (or Maciste) doesn’t fight a lion. Boring!
Meanwhile, let’s try for another needless female character. Why, it’s Samara’s sister, Billis (Delia d’Alberti). Okay, where are they getting these names?! A few more: Mogol, Timor, Remar, Gladius, Taris, Redolphis, Tavernkeeper’s [sic] Wife. Oh, and now I realize that Billis was that unidentified woman Darix was a-romancin’ so noncommittally – I write it this way to reflect the confused state of the brain while watching Hercules Against the Moon Men.
Anyway, Billis questions the why and wherefore of Samara’s evil – it’s ‘cause she’s been promised infinite power and immortality by the Moonies, dearie – and tells Samara straight to her beautiful face that she intends to raise a rebel army to stop her. Does anyone have the scantest bit of genre savvy in these things?!
AD BREAK
What did funky Billis expect to happen? Samara takes her hostage, and meanwhile sends out a few of her moderately disposable guards to go do in Darix lest he muster seditious forces. Darix is only saved by the sudden, unjustified intrusion of Hercules, who dispatches the guards in what might as well be outtakes of his former sand pit fight from earlier in this same film. Which does not inspire viewer confidence – and we’re nowhere near the DEEP HURTING!
And with Darix in tow, Hercules can get exposited to again all about Samara and the Moonsters and – look, we know all this! GET ON WITH IT!
AD BREAK (already?!)
SKIT BREAK
As Samara drags Billis over to the Mountain of Death, a place so creatively-named it can only be home to the Moon Men…Oh, and also the Rock Monsters (above), so this is unmistakably a cheapjack stylistic burglary of Haunted World. They kill Billis, or transform her into a Listerine duplicate named Selene, or drain her blood for their godless existence, or – well, it’s mighty unclear, as damn well most fantasy stories are without a clear voice. And Samara waxes astrological, about an upcoming cataclysm – namely, the DEEP HURTING.
Suddenly, Hercules is trapped in a Saw trap, doubling as today’s lone genuine Feat of Strength™ (yeah, they’re losing the inspiration for even those now). And, okay, how did he suddenly wind up in Samara’s vile clutches anyway?! Last we saw of him, he was chortingly hurling more guards (most likely the same 5 extras as always) into barrels full of ancient Greek liquid. There is no – Oh wait, he was captured in a net. Maciste’s/Hercules’ one weakness! Alright, that explanation was a long time in coming, but carry on…
So Hercules is in this here trap, bending upwards to spike him good – if the spikes were actually aligned with his body (they aren’t). We know how these things go. Hercules breaks his bonds, survives, et cetera. And seeing as it’s the standard 5/8ths through moment, this act causes Samara to become horny (despite her Moon Masters’ insistence that she fucking kill Hercules already), and we’re off to the necessary seduction interlude.
Let it not be said these awful movies aren’t without some merit.
Again, the trained peplum viewer must ask why these two mortal enemies are so pleased to schtup, when the plot demands they kill each other. Only one sword-and-sandal movie has ever adequately answered that. Rather, we must just bide our time, taking solace in the physical allure of whichever actor you’re more attracted to (curvy redheaded Italian babe or a dimwitted muscleman covered in bacon grease).
Looking back as far as the innocent days of Hercules Unchained, peplum peddlers have tried justifying their more idiotic plot detours with magical potions. So it is with Moon Men, as Samara possesses a peplum powder to make any man instantly fall in love with her. And Hercules knows about it already, which makes him seem doubly stupider than usual when he obligingly imbibes Samara’s tasty love potion (#9), and becomes an even lazier and more docile hunk than usual.
AD BREAK
That is, until Samara (forgetting everything about being an effective villainess) monologues her entire plan to Hercules whilst he is in his “trance.” He was just fooling (making him look doubly more intelligenter than usual). And he rushes off, fighting uninspired guards, to stop Samara’s grand scheme – something to do with Moon Men and the full moon and blah blah blah why’d he need to come here to figure that out?
SKIT BREAK – This one’s a classic, as you may see.
DEEP HURTING…It is imminent!
AD BREAK
Hercules’ trek to the Mountain of Death through the Desert of Notable Injury occurs during a sandstorm, the prime mover itself for DEEP HURTING. Joel and the bots declare this “one of the worst sequences of one of the worst movies ever,” which means a lot coming from the people who successfully made it through Manos: The Hands of Fate. As the climax, we get no fight, we get no gigantic extra battle, we just get an unexpurgated shot of Hercules traipsing across the wasteland, depicted with as little visual clarity as possible (in films which already suffer from a rancid brownish sheen).
If it were just Hercules himself doing this, it’d be but another quick(ish) example of how artlessly constructed these pepla are. Rather, we see every character in the film individually cross the same sandstorm, even though there’s no point at all in seeing Agar, Darix, Mogol, Gladius, Remar, Timor, Taris, Rubio or Bit Part do it.
And as an example of the sheer length of this bit…
AD BREAK
It persists, for nearly 20 minutes worth of “MST3K” time, which translates to probably 40 minutes in a proper movie. I could always check that damned Mill Creek 50 DVD set, but it seems an unwise thing to do. DEEP HURTING! Even the riffing breaks down long before this scene is out. And who’s to say what Gentilomo was thinking? There’s the need to fill out screen time, sure, but most movies find something more substantive to do that with than, well, this:
And as “variation” from the brown monotony, Gentilomo serves up overlong, lingering, needless, context-free close-ups of Hercules’ glistening pectorals. So you can see why I went with the pic of the void.
Hercules fights, defeats the Moon Men. In, comparatively, that stretch of time relative to the DEEP HURTING. With the spring foliage suddenly blooming, Herc rides into the sunset with Agar, whom he loves incontestably until the next sequel forgets all about her.
As bad as Hercules Against the Moon Men – or Maciste and the Queen of Samar – is, for how much it drags and underwhelms and waters down its superior predecessors, it’s still in the 40th percentile of pepla overall. Trust me, about 4/10ths of what I’ve seen has been worse than this. Much of it, I doubt even “MST3K” could handle. I’ve been crowing about the end of the sword-and-sandals craze for a while now (anxious, any?) and at last it seems nigh. The Maciste to follow Moon Men is the GREAT CROSSOVER. Not that we can jump there immediately, as another entire franchise (Ursus) stands in our way. Fuck!
For the lesser franchises, the GREAT CROSSOVER marks the end of the series. It does not for Hercules or Maciste. Hercules’ follow-up efforts, we’ll see later. For Maciste, there was but one film to follow, unavailable to watch (thank Zeus!). That’d be Maciste, Avenger of the Mayans (1965), which employs the shameless trick of…You know, I’m gonna hold onto this one. It’s best coupled with the ultimate Hercules movie, as the two combined make the perfect tombstone for this genre.
Until then…Ursus!
RELATED POSTS
• The Silent Maciste Franchise (1914 - 1927)
• No. 1 Maciste in the Valley of the Kings (1960)
• No. 2 Maciste vs. the Headhunters (1960)
• No. 3 Maciste in the Land of the Cyclops (1961)
• No. 6 Maciste, the Strongest Man in the World (1961)
• No. 7 Maciste Against Hercules in the Vale of Woe (1961)
• Nos. 8 - 20 (1962 - 1964)
• No. 21 Maciste vs. the Mongols (1963)
• No. 22 Maciste in Genghis Khan's Hell (1964)
• No. 24 Hercules, Samson, Maciste and Ursus (1964)
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