_____ Movie, No. 5 - Vampires Suck (2010)

Shit sandwich.























And now, just as proof I made it through this movie, the pics…









For what it’s worth, Vampires Suck corrects a lot of the most egregious faults in some of Seltzer and Friedberg’s other recent works. In a way, it’s like watching a paralyzed man take his first step – in overall terms, that’s some pretty danged unimpressive walking, but it’s an enormous achievement for the paralytic. People undergoing rehab of whatever sort need as much encouragement as they can get, and so do these two filmmakers. So in the public interest of aiding them in their recuperation following the “TMZ”-“MADtv” celebutante binge of Disaster Movie, I’ll do as Thumper advised in Bambi. In other words, lacking anything specifically positive to say, and not wanting to disturb S&F’s recovery, I shall say nothing more at all.


RELATED POSTS
• No. 1 Date Movie (2006)
• No. 2 Epic Movie (2007)
• No. 3 Meet the Spartans (2008)
• No. 4 Disaster Movie (2008)

_____ Movie, No. 5 - Vampires Suck (2010)

Shit sandwich.























And now, just as proof I made it through this movie, the pics…









For what it’s worth, Vampires Suck corrects a lot of the most egregious faults in some of Seltzer and Friedberg’s other recent works. In a way, it’s like watching a paralyzed man take his first step – in overall terms, that’s some pretty danged unimpressive walking, but it’s an enormous achievement for the paralytic. People undergoing rehab of whatever sort need as much encouragement as they can get, and so do these two filmmakers. So in the public interest of aiding them in their recuperation following the “TMZ”-“MADtv” celebutante binge of Disaster Movie, I’ll do as Thumper advised in Bambi. In other words, lacking anything specifically positive to say, and not wanting to disturb S&F’s recovery, I shall say nothing more at all.


RELATED POSTS
• No. 1 Date Movie (2006)
• No. 2 Epic Movie (2007)
• No. 3 Meet the Spartans (2008)
• No. 4 Disaster Movie (2008)

_____ Movie, No. 3 - Meet the Spartans (2008)

Shrek the Third
Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie
Casino Royale
Little Miss Sunshine
Subway Sandwiches
Happy Feet
Taco Bell
Anna Nicole Smith
Nike
Brittany Spears
K-Fed
“American Idol”
Elton John
“Ugly Betty”
“Heroes”
Shaq
Dr. Phil
Tara Reid
Borat: Cultural Learnings of America for Make Benefit Glorious Nation of Kazakhstan
Oprah
Ain’t It Cool News
Toy Story
“America’s Next Top Model”
Gatorade ads
Paris Hilton (Nicole Richie)
Stomp the Yard
You Got Served
“Dancing With the Stars”
Budweiser ads
Wiis
“Deal or No Deal”
Yo Mama Contests
Star Wars
Dentyne Ice
The Coffee Bean
Spider-Man 3
Ghost Rider
Rocky Balboa
Botox
“Grand Theft Auto”
Transformers
The “Leave Britney Alone” Guy
Lindsey Lohan
Hooters
Dodgeball: A True Underdog Story
George W. Bush
“The Apprentice”
Ellen De Generes
Tom Cruise
Dane Cook
MySpace
“The Sopranos”
Las Vegas ads
Rambo


Your mission, should you be stoned enough to accept it: Given the aforementioned pop cultural touchstones (and an annotated encyclopedia to explain what over half that stuff is), fashion an insightful and coherent ZAZ-style parody film.

Oh, one further caveat: Your central parody is to be 300, a movie with 0% to do with the rest of that list, and wholly unable to sustain spoof tangents.

You can’t do it, can you?

Okay, instead let’s just limit things to 300 alone. When aiming to satirize it, what’s the first thing that jumps to mind? Well, perhaps how it was filmed – Actors blue-screened into a stylized comic book version of Ancient Greece that –

WRONG!


If you’re Aaron Seltzer and/or Jason Friedberg, first of all, I pity you tremendously, and secondly, you don’t care about 300 to begin with. You simply need something you can legally parody, without that niggling detail about creating “original” characters and all that. What better than a millennia old tale of warfare, a story of 300 (or 13) soldiers against 10,000 (or whatever) Persians, dating back to Herodotus? Herodo-who?! Careful, now, don’t confuse S&F – they likely aren’t even aware of the Frank Miller comic book they’re now piggybacking off of. Ignorant screwheads!

Meet the Spartans – which really ought to be called Epic Movie, just as Epic Movie ought to have been called Fantasy Movie (eh, that or something original)…Anyway, Meet the Spartans. Just where does that uninformative title come from?! Meet the Feebles. Meet the Browns. Meet the Robinsons. Meet the Deedles. “Meet the Press.” Abbott and Costello Meet Frankenstein. Meet the Parents. Meet the Fockers. Likely those last two, as S&F’s Date Movie burgled from them… It’s a common titling trope, like American _____ or _____ Movie, which allows for the greatest possible surfeit of creativity.


What we have here isn’t even a film narrative in the sense of S&F’s former debacles. This is the spoof genre well on its way to thorough abstraction. Even the vaguest plot recap of 300 (dudes fight other dudes) is overly generous if trying to summarize Meet the Spartans.

In regards to “satirizing” 300, S&F have pretty much but one observation to make…GAYS! Beyond even archaic Brokeback Mountain gags, there is absolutely nothing to this insight, as most people rightly giggled their way through 300 sustaining themselves on private, cleverer variations on this same joke anyway. Meet the Spartans’ sole attitude in this regard is basically “teh gayz iz teh lolz.” As Date Movie proved more shallow and image-obsessed than even the targeted romantic comedies, so does Meet the Spartans deliver the most grotesquely simplistic, terrified joke on homosexuality. In this, the Era of Adam Sandler, gay panic jokes are most common (among secretly schlong-hungry frat types [cough!] Dane Cook [cough!]), but Meet the Spartans…It ain’t cuttin’ it…


I mean, skipping hand-in-hand? Disco tunes? Overt references to buggery? It sounds funnier than it is (that is, still not funny at all), but that’s it?! (That the skipping is evidently the S&F variation on Holy Grail’s horseless horse riding does it no favors.) It’s an entirely useless comment upon Zack Snyder’s homoerotic epic, especially when man-on-man was a genuine thing in ancient Greece. I don’t mean to be gigglesome, but it’s a simple fact that other Greeks (the Athenians, mostly, who were as different from the Spartans as the Soviets from the Nazis) possessed some rather alien sexual viewpoints. Honestly, S&F, read some Plato some time! I mean, 300 acknowledged this in passing. What are you, unable to even make the same quality jokes as the non-comic movies from whom you pilfer?!...Wait…Wolverine giving the middle finger in that X-Men parody?...Same as he did in X-Men?...Up yours, Seltzer and Friedberg!


Gay panic bonmots that wouldn’t pass muster in the Victorian Age are not a sufficient means to populate a…whatever this sort of thing technically counts as (I doubt it’s actually a movie). (Un)luckily there’s that checklist of celebrities, advertisements and reality programs to fall back upon. The rancid, post-rape skeleton of 300 becomes naught but a delivery system for extended sketch routines on each and every one of those things.

Each S&F motion picture so far has been defined by a single, overriding flaw, unique to that film – on top of the duo’s innumerable innate flaws which permeate their whole douchey existence. We’ve had confusion about gender, age, and now anachronism. It’s a decent sign you shouldn’t be making a period pastiche when every (and I paid attention, so I do mean every) ostensible joke is founded upon anachronism. Damn it all, but Meet the Spartans wouldn’t have a single understandable joke in even the year 1999! It badmouths the ancient Spartans for possessing the temerity, the audacity not to love, say, Tila Tequila with the same fervor as the culturally disabled among us today. This is worship of the modern historical superiority of the worst sort, that the new is the best by dint of that fact alone.

These things are getting measurably worse…and we’re talking about a directing career that started (with Date Movie) comprised wholly of gags that Scary Movie would’ve rejected (and that movie “enjoys” the same status in regards to Airplane!).


Let us take the defining moment of Meet the Spartans: the Pit of Death, one of the three permutations their apartment-sized single studio set is capable of. In 300, King Leonidas kicks a Persian emissary down a chasm as a precursor to war. In Meet the Spartans, Leonidas (Sean Maguire, who hasn’t bothered doing another film since) does likewise, and the movie is so far beyond contempt that they cannot even be arsed to squeeze in a legible gag. It’s as though repetition of the movie you’ve opted to repeat, only cheaper, counts as a joke.

Ah hah, but then…IT happens! For reasons no logical entity can parse out, Brittany Spears is seated by the Pit, shaving herself (not there) and breathing disgustingly upon an evidently false baby. For possibly a mere minute, though it feels like 20, we’re subject to Brittany’s buffoonish monologues. Then Leonidas kicks her in the Pit. Rim shot!

Then…okay, I’m not even sure who this next guy is supposed to be, but he sings poorly and looks like a cock (a rooster, that is). Leonidas kicks him in the pit (then in the Pit).

(The Pit is evidently S&F’s metaphorical way of saying “recent tabloid celebrity, we consider you pwned.” It’s as though they simply saw 300 – or its trailers – and decided this moment could sustain their bitchy 2007 recap.)

Leonidas walks away, when…the “American Idol” judges sit there right before the Pit, deposited by some freak cosmic rending of the space-time continuum. Cue another minute and change of impersonations – What? You thought the actual celebrities show up in this? Hell, Chris Crocker turned S&F down! Rather, just about every single damn female guest role is played by Nicole Parker, of “MADtv.” That’s what Meet the Spartans is, a rejected outtake reel from “MADtv,” the sketch komedy show comprised of rejected “SNL” performers. This is telling.

It’s taken a genuine five minutes of nothingness so far, this Pit of Death. To go by the post-film “deleted scenes” (which still make up the flick’s scant 86 minute running time, populating an end credits that is seriously 17 minutes long – the movie is but 69 – uh huh huh – otherwise), S&F intended another eight minutes of Pit o’ Death gnarliness. Look to those celebrity names at the post’s top. There’s a 90% chance that celebrity (impersonator, really) appears before the Pit.

It’s the pits.


Oh boy, the end credits are a debacle, slowed down to the minimum legal speed because that’s the only way Meet the Spartans could get up to feature length. It’s a remarkable scam upon the mouth-breathing moviegoers who’d patronize such filth. You’d think if you worked in an S&F movie, you’d want your name legible for less time!

The whole movie, from studio logos to post-flick MPAA title card, is one long stalling tactic. When it’s not lame-o-zoid celeb roasts, we’re pausing for wholehearted recreations of reality shows. And I don’t just mean that “Deal or No Deal” gets spoofed for two minutes. Nope! It’s just redone for the same amount of time, without comment. As though the sheer lunacy of wedging it into a B.C. context is enough – if it were, repetition of the form for the fourth reality show surely undercuts whatever value remains.

The nadir of this particular approach comes in a dance competition, which substitutes for the Spartans’ first battle – a clear sign that maybe, just maybe these filmmakers oughtn’t to have selected a warfare movie to lampoon. For three minutes (which feels longer than it sounds) they just dance, dance, dance. No jokes, not that they’re wanted, but rather the death of the spoof format right here. I thank Zeus we have smaller movies like Black Dynamite keeping the genre afloat.


Then there are the ads. It’s a rule that once per parody film you’re liable to find a joke on product placement, usually done as an overly-obvious brand name shout out. If that’s S&F’s intent (for Red Bull, Taco Bell, Budweiser, Gatorade, Dentyne Ice, etc. ad infinitum), repetition doesn’t help. Nor does the sincerity or length with which the products are shilled. It’s almost as though, yeah, this is genuine product placement, and our writer/directors are so shameless that they take no pains to hide that fact. I’m reminded of a recent “30 Rock,” where Jack engineered a movie so tied up in synergy that it was successful before theatrical release, simply through sponsorship and so forth.

I’m also reminded of “Family Guy,” and the manatees who write that show by moving balls around in a tank. They could do better at creating wholly arbitrary pop culture mash-ups than Seltzer and Friedberg are. I mean, how does one take so long uniting Spider-Man with Donald Trump (Spidey in his symbiote outfit, to claim specific Spider-Man 3 relation, despite a total lack of pertinence towards that movie)? And all that for a belabored toupee gag? As though no one’s ever said so much about the Donald before! I – I – I just – AAAAAARHGHRHGH!

…I have nothing more to say.


RELATED POSTS
• No. 1 Date Movie (2006)
• No. 2 Epic Movie (2007)
• No. 4 Disaster Movie (2008)
• No. 5 Vampires Suck (2010)

_____ Movie, No. 4 - Disaster Movie (2008)

Why won’t I die? I pray to Shiva, “Please, let me die,” and yet I do not.

Disaster Movie is where spoofs enter event horizon. The snake is up its own ass. Aaron Seltzer and Jason Friedberg, the dimwit mongoloid cretins whose career high was to have their material excised from Scary Movie, catch their own tails. In their never-ending quest to shove increasing topicality into their alleged parody movies, they discover the limits of that approach.

In half a year following their former nadir (means most badnessest), Meet the Spartans, enough pop culture had happened to allow for another wreck. It’s I Can’t Believe It’s Not Movie: 2/5ths of 2008 Edition. The problems with this approach…I mean, the additional problems, exacerbating their career-long accumulation of problems: Mocking movies by timeframe in this way eliminates even the slightest thematic coherence. Plus, though this has been stated by everyone who’s both seen Disaster Movie and satisfies Descartes’ “Cogito ergo sum,” there’s no way S&F could have seen the movies they target here. At best, they’d seen the trailers, borrowed some lines and some costumes, then just went ahead letting the pilfered hostage-cast of “MADtv” essentially improvise poorly.

Any effort to engage Disaster Movie as a legitimate motion picture is doomed to fail by definition. Instead, and to minimize my time spent on this one, what follows was written during Disaster Movie exposure. They are the final thoughts of a diseased mind.


Space: The Final Spoofening. It’s 10,001 B.C. (therefore “better” than 10,000 B.C.). A guy (Matt Lanter) runs, and first joke is…getting his face covered in shit. So no mistakes about what we’re getting. And here’s – is that an X-Men/“American Gladiators” parody combo? The cavemen are fighting with padded sticks – I’m not sure what’s going on.

Caveman Joe runs again. A monster chases him, and it’s Amy Winehouse (Nicole Parker) – I know this, because the caveman recognizes her, and calls her name out. Helpful, really. She says “bloody hell” a lot, evidently all S&F know about British people. Apple-brand laptop in her hair, on FaceNook (yeah, no one has clever parody names of that). World to end, on the day of this movie’s release (i.e. 2009 – did it?). Exposition over, Amy has a minute-long tequila-belching gag. Oh, and Winehouse has a crystal skull – because “crystal skull” is a legal way to reference Crystal Skull – The Asylum is cleverer in their plagiary than this.

Caveman dude waves up in bed as Will and – oh fuck, Flava Flav is there for no reason. He repeated “I’m Flava Flav!” to inform us who he, with the clock and Viking helmet, is. Now like Cloverfield (the central parody, only without the essential first-person camera gimmick that defines it wholly), Will has a boring relationship talk with his girlfriend Amy (Vanesa Minnillo).


Oh God, they do cheaper credits for…was there a show called “My Super Sweet 16?” That was totally necessary.

Whatever, it’s the party now – I predict a procession of tagged-on celebrity impersonations, for our sins. Eh, after the “ugly girl with unibrow” “joke.” And another “hairy chick” joke couched in a “Girls Gone Wild” reference. Now Dr. Phil (John Di Domenico) is here, well before I have the speed to type it. But even now, he’s still here.

Next random moment: Anton Chigurgh (of No Country For Old Men) kills a person.

And Kim Kardashian as main character Lisa – I don’t know any Kardashian jokes, so I’m beyond this. Meanwhile, a Superbad reference, and suddenly a Wanted moment added on top of it. With Carmen Electra as a tired, used-up Angelina stand-in. She fights Kardashian in a boxing ring in corsets – How can S&F make even this unappealing? Needless to say, it lasts for well beyond how long it takes to type, but really this moment achieves nothing. Meanwhile, I eat a Girl Scout Cookie.

Note another main character is Calvin (Gary “G Thang” Johnson – that’s your name?!)…he’s fat, he’s black…he’s Fat Albert.

The Wanted thing continues, for excessive deaths.

Now Juno…no, excuse me, “Juney” (Crista Flanagan, S&F regular). She head-bonks the Michael Cera stand-in, and that is that.

Main characters talk about relationship blah blah – this is worse than the first 20 minutes of Cloverfield. Attention…waning!

A marching band enters. For High School Musical, apparently. I could slap randomly at this keyboard for greater coherence. For example, a hobo urinates in the punch. How is that pertinent to the extended musical number we’re now getting? Okay, how many minutes now until Wanted or something puts a bullet in all these people’s heads. I sit silently for over a minute without comment, until rappers are arbitrarily referenced. Then…it’s back to the deathless musical number. Oh goody, it looks like Juney (fuck it, I’m calling her “Juno”) is a main character.

Next musical number! Seriously. I think that’s supposed to be Justin Timberlake.

“Look everyone, it’s Jessica Simpson!” (Nicole Parker, again…) Pointing it out is necessary.

Back to the High School Musical thing. UGH!!! Twenty minutes in, this movie has no point.


Oh wait, here it is! Disasters happen…in that there is “danger.” Not that we ought to care about that, for it’s time for more Juno stuff; S&F attempt to write like Diablo Cody. This goes on endlessly – Okay, it all lasts for too long, so I’m just going to list the running time for tangents from now on.

Well, everyone is on the streets now…that is the single shut-down Montreal street that’ll be our bucolic environs from now on. Asteroids fall, mostly, though other disaster things too. And…

One asteroid falls on Hanna Montana (also Crista Flanagan). Her identity is pointed out. Two minutes later, the bit is over.

Hancock bit – How are they allowed to use the real names?! Same gag as in the Hancock trailer – all they could’ve seen, as this was released, what, two weeks after Hancock? One minute.

Our main characters (Will, Amy, Calvin, Juno) hide in a warehouse set. A “Sex and the City” moment arrives, and it’s arbitrary now to point out how arbitrary is. The joke: The “Sex and the City” girls are played by men. Juno gets involved, and I am not counting her more esoteric references (i.e. Rocky IV, a hugely obscure film, by S&F standards). An unlikable fight proceeds, with a You Don’t Mess With the Zohan moment tossed in, because horrid smacking and groin-hitting and head-bonking is all they know any more. Two and a half minutes.


As a break from the useless parodies of other films, the four characters just stand around motionlessly and try deciphering the plot. This is obviously a fruitless enterprise, so instead everyone just gets covered in Juno’s “water.” Wow, remember when Nickelodeon used to coat its actors in Slime™ on an hourly basis? This is the same thing now, only the Ooze™ is given obscene designations, like pus or snot or mucus or cum.

Will dreams, as good an excuse as any for [rolling The Wheel of Movies Released in the First Half of 2008]…Jumper.

Rolling that wheel again, it “punchlines” with The Chronicles of (G)Narnia: Prince Caspian. The “Jumper” guy is called “the guy that ruined Star Wars.” Presumably they mean Hayden Christensen, who is not the actor here, nor the character he’s playing, and besides, George Lucas ruined Star Wars, so that was a lot of effort to no end.

In my ranting about that, I’ve passed over another jokeless moment of non-movie parody. Now everyone is arbitrarily (I need a thesaurus) in the streets.

And one of them is in the Natural History Museum. I realize I cannot tell the non-Juno females apart, for they’re all the same bronzed, brunette, Kardashianesque slice of skanky blandness. And while I was relating that, an AT&T ad got S&Fed up.

Okay, so…Amy is in the Museum, it’s Lisa who’s with Will, Calvin and Juno. Not that it matters. Like Cloverfield, they’re going to a place now. Plots! And Kim Kardashian is suddenly killed by an asteroid, resolving one of my lesser problems with this movie.

As if by clockwork, Lisa’s absence is suddenly filled in by “Enchanted Princess” (Nicole Parker knows no shame). Because the word “enchanted” is non-copy-writable, though Enchanted is. Great, so two bland guys, Juno and a grotesque Amy Adams rip-off are now all uselessly strolling together. I doubt S&F saw any of these movies (though they had 3/4ths of a year to see Enchanted). This bit persists, with “Prince Edwin” so…two minutes.


Step Up/Step Up 2 both namedropped. You know what this means? Again a dance substitutes for a fight, as in half of Meet the Spartans. Two minutes.

Jesus, these sketches don’t even vary in their duration!

“We need a hero!” “I am Iron Man.” From Iron Man. Remember that?

A cow crushes Iron Man.

Enter Hellboy…from Hellboy (Hellboy II, more likely). A cow crushes him. I sense this movie’s Pit of Death equivalent.

The Incredible Hulk now. I anticipate cow as they instead deliver the same underwear-ripping gag from, oh, two minutes after Stan Lee invented the Incredible Hulk. Then a cow hits him.

They repeat the AT&T ad pastiche thing, having run out of superhero movies specifically released in ’08.

Hiding in another…vague interior setting. Another pause from shenanigans for directionless dialogue. Enchanted Princess eats glass and bleeds profusely – this is possibly the closest thing to a joke we’ve seen so far. Meanwhile, I belch.


The soundtrack would have me believe they’re doing Get Smart now – parodying a parody?! Naturally, it ends in one of the central tasteless gags: Facial shit smearing. It’s gross, but the “shit” looks like clay, so [here I run out of immediate comment]. Three minutes later, I realize the characters haven’t moved their legs once, to excuse S&F from the complexities of blocking a scene.

I now don’t know what’s happening so – Oh sweet tap-dancing Christ, it’s Alvin and the Chipmunks! They rap – rap is inherently funny, in the S&F universe. I hate life. (Then we switch musical genres, for death metal. God, this “joke” could perpetuate endlessly.) I anticipate a two minute duration for this apocalypse, so in actuality…

Well, two minutes in it transforms from singing to a fight, centered around a chipmunk gnawing on the lead’s testicles. I think I saw the Mini Me do this once. It goes without saying that was funnier. And this gonad-centric fight goes on for…three minutes.

Meanwhile, Juno is now dead, which fills me with no emotions whatsoever.

Head On ad? It only warrants one minute. By the repeated use of the classy word “motherfucker,” it’s evident I’m watching the Unrated Version. Why?!?!?!?!

Back on the streets, for second unit shots of 1/50th Armageddon.

Wait, they weren’t out of superheroes – Batman! The Dark Knight, though there’s nothing here to indicate that was the specific intent. Two minutes – two minutes of Batman talking (and it’s not even a Christian Bale impersonation, it’s just a dude discussing masturbation). Cow? No, Batman’s grappling hook gives him the needed slapstick sendoff.

Enchanted Princess murders Speed Racer (from Speed Racer) with a glock for his Mach 5 ½. I’m not sure what I’m watching any more. One minute of gunshots. You know, overly long gags only work when you also include something other than just overly long gags.

A Michael Jackson impersonator is in the trunk – rather, he seems an impersonator of the impersonator from Scary Movie 4 – that’s how far we’ve dropped.


We’re now at the climax, a full hour in, at the Museum of Natural History. Only Will, Calvin and Enchanted Princess remain, finding Amy impaled “comically” on a spear. It having been a while, we get one of those “character” scenes which serve no purpose. I fall silent at the cruel slapstick it contains. One minute (but it felt like two).

Amy pulls the crystal skull out of her vagin- Hey, how ‘bout them Bears? For idiots, they discuss the plot of Crystal Skull, then point out it’s the plot of Crystal Skull, only it really isn’t the plot of Crystal Skull, because S&F hadn’t seen Crystal Skull when they filmed this, so it really has nothing to do with Crystal Skull.

A Night at the Museum? Yeah, makes sense you’d do this in a Natural History Museum setting. No jokes occur, though – not even a groin attack.

“I am Beowulf!” Huh, was Beowulf released in…the winter of ’07? Guess so, otherwise it wouldn’t be here. Oh gay panic jokes, how I missed you since Miss the Spartans! But one mere minute.

Kung Fu Panda (it’s assumed – wrongly – that’s what the Kung Fu Panda hero was called) fights Calvin. What the hell for? Well, nearing the end of the year’s checklist of references, even the scantest justification isn’t coming. Three minutes – god this is predictably unpredictable!

Meanwhile…Will still fights Beowulf. Repeating “I am Beowulf!” apparently stands for a joke, because, well, me might’ve said it once in the trailer. One minute.

More Crystal Skull – in the opening set from Raiders, because why watch a whole series when you can just watch the first ten minutes? Tony Cox (the omnipresent black dwarf who owns these S&F travesties) plays Indiana My-Ass, I think is his name. After a motionless discussion about whoring and sex (the fall-back for every inserted pop cultural character), Cox delivers his Indy-specific joke: Failing to swing on his whip. Take that, Lucas!

Will now does a replay of Cox’s whip joke. But they play it without the “joke” – the only one they had worked out, so…Okay, the skull is on its altar, the needed movie-ending moment, so END END END END END!!!


Will and Amy are wed by the Guru Shitka – Was The Love Guru needed to be – Okay, why do I still have the capacity to identify a Love Guru pastiche here in 2011?!

Now Will has a guitar – NOOOOO! He sings (unrated) “I’m fucking Matt Damon.” Oh, you’re referencing that now?! You do know it was a joke to begin with? It plays like the celebratory song-and-dance number at the end of more joyous comedies (i.e. The Blues Brothers, and not this), with each character announcing whom he or she fucks. Here’s the progression: Amy: Hanna Montana: Flava Flav: Juno: Hellboy: the Hulk: Iron Man: Enchanted Princess: Sabretooth (aka “Wolf”): the “Sex and the City” gals: Batman: Amy Winehouse: Jessica Simpson: Carmen Electra: Anton Chigurh: Justin Timberlake: an underwear model: Prince Caspian: the High School Musical children: Barack Obama: Indiana Jones: Hancock: Beowulf: Kung Fu Panda: Michael Jackson: the Chipmunks: a cow.

Take a bow, all you worthless shitheels!

End credits. Twelve minutes.

I’m starting to think this S&F career is a performance art project which has gotten seriously out of hand.


RELATED POSTS
• No. 1 Date Movie (2006)
• No. 2 Epic Movie (2007)
• No. 3 Meet the Spartans (2008)
• No. 5 Vampires Suck (2010)

_____ Movie, No. 3 - Meet the Spartans (2008)

Shrek the Third
Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie
Casino Royale
Little Miss Sunshine
Subway Sandwiches
Happy Feet
Taco Bell
Anna Nicole Smith
Nike
Brittany Spears
K-Fed
“American Idol”
Elton John
“Ugly Betty”
“Heroes”
Shaq
Dr. Phil
Tara Reid
Borat: Cultural Learnings of America for Make Benefit Glorious Nation of Kazakhstan
Oprah
Ain’t It Cool News
Toy Story
“America’s Next Top Model”
Gatorade ads
Paris Hilton (Nicole Richie)
Stomp the Yard
You Got Served
“Dancing With the Stars”
Budweiser ads
Wiis
“Deal or No Deal”
Yo Mama Contests
Star Wars
Dentyne Ice
The Coffee Bean
Spider-Man 3
Ghost Rider
Rocky Balboa
Botox
“Grand Theft Auto”
Transformers
The “Leave Britney Alone” Guy
Lindsey Lohan
Hooters
Dodgeball: A True Underdog Story
George W. Bush
“The Apprentice”
Ellen De Generes
Tom Cruise
Dane Cook
MySpace
“The Sopranos”
Las Vegas ads
Rambo


Your mission, should you be stoned enough to accept it: Given the aforementioned pop cultural touchstones (and an annotated encyclopedia to explain what over half that stuff is), fashion an insightful and coherent ZAZ-style parody film.

Oh, one further caveat: Your central parody is to be 300, a movie with 0% to do with the rest of that list, and wholly unable to sustain spoof tangents.

You can’t do it, can you?

Okay, instead let’s just limit things to 300 alone. When aiming to satirize it, what’s the first thing that jumps to mind? Well, perhaps how it was filmed – Actors blue-screened into a stylized comic book version of Ancient Greece that –

WRONG!


If you’re Aaron Seltzer and/or Jason Friedberg, first of all, I pity you tremendously, and secondly, you don’t care about 300 to begin with. You simply need something you can legally parody, without that niggling detail about creating “original” characters and all that. What better than a millennia old tale of warfare, a story of 300 (or 13) soldiers against 10,000 (or whatever) Persians, dating back to Herodotus? Herodo-who?! Careful, now, don’t confuse S&F – they likely aren’t even aware of the Frank Miller comic book they’re now piggybacking off of. Ignorant screwheads!

Meet the Spartans – which really ought to be called Epic Movie, just as Epic Movie ought to have been called Fantasy Movie (eh, that or something original)…Anyway, Meet the Spartans. Just where does that uninformative title come from?! Meet the Feebles. Meet the Browns. Meet the Robinsons. Meet the Deedles. “Meet the Press.” Abbott and Costello Meet Frankenstein. Meet the Parents. Meet the Fockers. Likely those last two, as S&F’s Date Movie burgled from them… It’s a common titling trope, like American _____ or _____ Movie, which allows for the greatest possible surfeit of creativity.


What we have here isn’t even a film narrative in the sense of S&F’s former debacles. This is the spoof genre well on its way to thorough abstraction. Even the vaguest plot recap of 300 (dudes fight other dudes) is overly generous if trying to summarize Meet the Spartans.

In regards to “satirizing” 300, S&F have pretty much but one observation to make…GAYS! Beyond even archaic Brokeback Mountain gags, there is absolutely nothing to this insight, as most people rightly giggled their way through 300 sustaining themselves on private, cleverer variations on this same joke anyway. Meet the Spartans’ sole attitude in this regard is basically “teh gayz iz teh lolz.” As Date Movie proved more shallow and image-obsessed than even the targeted romantic comedies, so does Meet the Spartans deliver the most grotesquely simplistic, terrified joke on homosexuality. In this, the Era of Adam Sandler, gay panic jokes are most common (among secretly schlong-hungry frat types [cough!] Dane Cook [cough!]), but Meet the Spartans…It ain’t cuttin’ it…


I mean, skipping hand-in-hand? Disco tunes? Overt references to buggery? It sounds funnier than it is (that is, still not funny at all), but that’s it?! (That the skipping is evidently the S&F variation on Holy Grail’s horseless horse riding does it no favors.) It’s an entirely useless comment upon Zack Snyder’s homoerotic epic, especially when man-on-man was a genuine thing in ancient Greece. I don’t mean to be gigglesome, but it’s a simple fact that other Greeks (the Athenians, mostly, who were as different from the Spartans as the Soviets from the Nazis) possessed some rather alien sexual viewpoints. Honestly, S&F, read some Plato some time! I mean, 300 acknowledged this in passing. What are you, unable to even make the same quality jokes as the non-comic movies from whom you pilfer?!...Wait…Wolverine giving the middle finger in that X-Men parody?...Same as he did in X-Men?...Up yours, Seltzer and Friedberg!


Gay panic bonmots that wouldn’t pass muster in the Victorian Age are not a sufficient means to populate a…whatever this sort of thing technically counts as (I doubt it’s actually a movie). (Un)luckily there’s that checklist of celebrities, advertisements and reality programs to fall back upon. The rancid, post-rape skeleton of 300 becomes naught but a delivery system for extended sketch routines on each and every one of those things.

Each S&F motion picture so far has been defined by a single, overriding flaw, unique to that film – on top of the duo’s innumerable innate flaws which permeate their whole douchey existence. We’ve had confusion about gender, age, and now anachronism. It’s a decent sign you shouldn’t be making a period pastiche when every (and I paid attention, so I do mean every) ostensible joke is founded upon anachronism. Damn it all, but Meet the Spartans wouldn’t have a single understandable joke in even the year 1999! It badmouths the ancient Spartans for possessing the temerity, the audacity not to love, say, Tila Tequila with the same fervor as the culturally disabled among us today. This is worship of the modern historical superiority of the worst sort, that the new is the best by dint of that fact alone.

These things are getting measurably worse…and we’re talking about a directing career that started (with Date Movie) comprised wholly of gags that Scary Movie would’ve rejected (and that movie “enjoys” the same status in regards to Airplane!).


Let us take the defining moment of Meet the Spartans: the Pit of Death, one of the three permutations their apartment-sized single studio set is capable of. In 300, King Leonidas kicks a Persian emissary down a chasm as a precursor to war. In Meet the Spartans, Leonidas (Sean Maguire, who hasn’t bothered doing another film since) does likewise, and the movie is so far beyond contempt that they cannot even be arsed to squeeze in a legible gag. It’s as though repetition of the movie you’ve opted to repeat, only cheaper, counts as a joke.

Ah hah, but then…IT happens! For reasons no logical entity can parse out, Brittany Spears is seated by the Pit, shaving herself (not there) and breathing disgustingly upon an evidently false baby. For possibly a mere minute, though it feels like 20, we’re subject to Brittany’s buffoonish monologues. Then Leonidas kicks her in the Pit. Rim shot!

Then…okay, I’m not even sure who this next guy is supposed to be, but he sings poorly and looks like a cock (a rooster, that is). Leonidas kicks him in the pit (then in the Pit).

(The Pit is evidently S&F’s metaphorical way of saying “recent tabloid celebrity, we consider you pwned.” It’s as though they simply saw 300 – or its trailers – and decided this moment could sustain their bitchy 2007 recap.)

Leonidas walks away, when…the “American Idol” judges sit there right before the Pit, deposited by some freak cosmic rending of the space-time continuum. Cue another minute and change of impersonations – What? You thought the actual celebrities show up in this? Hell, Chris Crocker turned S&F down! Rather, just about every single damn female guest role is played by Nicole Parker, of “MADtv.” That’s what Meet the Spartans is, a rejected outtake reel from “MADtv,” the sketch komedy show comprised of rejected “SNL” performers. This is telling.

It’s taken a genuine five minutes of nothingness so far, this Pit of Death. To go by the post-film “deleted scenes” (which still make up the flick’s scant 86 minute running time, populating an end credits that is seriously 17 minutes long – the movie is but 69 – uh huh huh – otherwise), S&F intended another eight minutes of Pit o’ Death gnarliness. Look to those celebrity names at the post’s top. There’s a 90% chance that celebrity (impersonator, really) appears before the Pit.

It’s the pits.


Oh boy, the end credits are a debacle, slowed down to the minimum legal speed because that’s the only way Meet the Spartans could get up to feature length. It’s a remarkable scam upon the mouth-breathing moviegoers who’d patronize such filth. You’d think if you worked in an S&F movie, you’d want your name legible for less time!

The whole movie, from studio logos to post-flick MPAA title card, is one long stalling tactic. When it’s not lame-o-zoid celeb roasts, we’re pausing for wholehearted recreations of reality shows. And I don’t just mean that “Deal or No Deal” gets spoofed for two minutes. Nope! It’s just redone for the same amount of time, without comment. As though the sheer lunacy of wedging it into a B.C. context is enough – if it were, repetition of the form for the fourth reality show surely undercuts whatever value remains.

The nadir of this particular approach comes in a dance competition, which substitutes for the Spartans’ first battle – a clear sign that maybe, just maybe these filmmakers oughtn’t to have selected a warfare movie to lampoon. For three minutes (which feels longer than it sounds) they just dance, dance, dance. No jokes, not that they’re wanted, but rather the death of the spoof format right here. I thank Zeus we have smaller movies like Black Dynamite keeping the genre afloat.


Then there are the ads. It’s a rule that once per parody film you’re liable to find a joke on product placement, usually done as an overly-obvious brand name shout out. If that’s S&F’s intent (for Red Bull, Taco Bell, Budweiser, Gatorade, Dentyne Ice, etc. ad infinitum), repetition doesn’t help. Nor does the sincerity or length with which the products are shilled. It’s almost as though, yeah, this is genuine product placement, and our writer/directors are so shameless that they take no pains to hide that fact. I’m reminded of a recent “30 Rock,” where Jack engineered a movie so tied up in synergy that it was successful before theatrical release, simply through sponsorship and so forth.

I’m also reminded of “Family Guy,” and the manatees who write that show by moving balls around in a tank. They could do better at creating wholly arbitrary pop culture mash-ups than Seltzer and Friedberg are. I mean, how does one take so long uniting Spider-Man with Donald Trump (Spidey in his symbiote outfit, to claim specific Spider-Man 3 relation, despite a total lack of pertinence towards that movie)? And all that for a belabored toupee gag? As though no one’s ever said so much about the Donald before! I – I – I just – AAAAAARHGHRHGH!

…I have nothing more to say.


RELATED POSTS
• No. 1 Date Movie (2006)
• No. 2 Epic Movie (2007)
• No. 4 Disaster Movie (2008)
• No. 5 Vampires Suck (2010)

_____ Movie, No. 4 - Disaster Movie (2008)

Why won’t I die? I pray to Shiva, “Please, let me die,” and yet I do not.

Disaster Movie is where spoofs enter event horizon. The snake is up its own ass. Aaron Seltzer and Jason Friedberg, the dimwit mongoloid cretins whose career high was to have their material excised from Scary Movie, catch their own tails. In their never-ending quest to shove increasing topicality into their alleged parody movies, they discover the limits of that approach.

In half a year following their former nadir (means most badnessest), Meet the Spartans, enough pop culture had happened to allow for another wreck. It’s I Can’t Believe It’s Not Movie: 2/5ths of 2008 Edition. The problems with this approach…I mean, the additional problems, exacerbating their career-long accumulation of problems: Mocking movies by timeframe in this way eliminates even the slightest thematic coherence. Plus, though this has been stated by everyone who’s both seen Disaster Movie and satisfies Descartes’ “Cogito ergo sum,” there’s no way S&F could have seen the movies they target here. At best, they’d seen the trailers, borrowed some lines and some costumes, then just went ahead letting the pilfered hostage-cast of “MADtv” essentially improvise poorly.

Any effort to engage Disaster Movie as a legitimate motion picture is doomed to fail by definition. Instead, and to minimize my time spent on this one, what follows was written during Disaster Movie exposure. They are the final thoughts of a diseased mind.


Space: The Final Spoofening. It’s 10,001 B.C. (therefore “better” than 10,000 B.C.). A guy (Matt Lanter) runs, and first joke is…getting his face covered in shit. So no mistakes about what we’re getting. And here’s – is that an X-Men/“American Gladiators” parody combo? The cavemen are fighting with padded sticks – I’m not sure what’s going on.

Caveman Joe runs again. A monster chases him, and it’s Amy Winehouse (Nicole Parker) – I know this, because the caveman recognizes her, and calls her name out. Helpful, really. She says “bloody hell” a lot, evidently all S&F know about British people. Apple-brand laptop in her hair, on FaceNook (yeah, no one has clever parody names of that). World to end, on the day of this movie’s release (i.e. 2009 – did it?). Exposition over, Amy has a minute-long tequila-belching gag. Oh, and Winehouse has a crystal skull – because “crystal skull” is a legal way to reference Crystal Skull – The Asylum is cleverer in their plagiary than this.

Caveman dude waves up in bed as Will and – oh fuck, Flava Flav is there for no reason. He repeated “I’m Flava Flav!” to inform us who he, with the clock and Viking helmet, is. Now like Cloverfield (the central parody, only without the essential first-person camera gimmick that defines it wholly), Will has a boring relationship talk with his girlfriend Amy (Vanesa Minnillo).


Oh God, they do cheaper credits for…was there a show called “My Super Sweet 16?” That was totally necessary.

Whatever, it’s the party now – I predict a procession of tagged-on celebrity impersonations, for our sins. Eh, after the “ugly girl with unibrow” “joke.” And another “hairy chick” joke couched in a “Girls Gone Wild” reference. Now Dr. Phil (John Di Domenico) is here, well before I have the speed to type it. But even now, he’s still here.

Next random moment: Anton Chigurgh (of No Country For Old Men) kills a person.

And Kim Kardashian as main character Lisa – I don’t know any Kardashian jokes, so I’m beyond this. Meanwhile, a Superbad reference, and suddenly a Wanted moment added on top of it. With Carmen Electra as a tired, used-up Angelina stand-in. She fights Kardashian in a boxing ring in corsets – How can S&F make even this unappealing? Needless to say, it lasts for well beyond how long it takes to type, but really this moment achieves nothing. Meanwhile, I eat a Girl Scout Cookie.

Note another main character is Calvin (Gary “G Thang” Johnson – that’s your name?!)…he’s fat, he’s black…he’s Fat Albert.

The Wanted thing continues, for excessive deaths.

Now Juno…no, excuse me, “Juney” (Crista Flanagan, S&F regular). She head-bonks the Michael Cera stand-in, and that is that.

Main characters talk about relationship blah blah – this is worse than the first 20 minutes of Cloverfield. Attention…waning!

A marching band enters. For High School Musical, apparently. I could slap randomly at this keyboard for greater coherence. For example, a hobo urinates in the punch. How is that pertinent to the extended musical number we’re now getting? Okay, how many minutes now until Wanted or something puts a bullet in all these people’s heads. I sit silently for over a minute without comment, until rappers are arbitrarily referenced. Then…it’s back to the deathless musical number. Oh goody, it looks like Juney (fuck it, I’m calling her “Juno”) is a main character.

Next musical number! Seriously. I think that’s supposed to be Justin Timberlake.

“Look everyone, it’s Jessica Simpson!” (Nicole Parker, again…) Pointing it out is necessary.

Back to the High School Musical thing. UGH!!! Twenty minutes in, this movie has no point.


Oh wait, here it is! Disasters happen…in that there is “danger.” Not that we ought to care about that, for it’s time for more Juno stuff; S&F attempt to write like Diablo Cody. This goes on endlessly – Okay, it all lasts for too long, so I’m just going to list the running time for tangents from now on.

Well, everyone is on the streets now…that is the single shut-down Montreal street that’ll be our bucolic environs from now on. Asteroids fall, mostly, though other disaster things too. And…

One asteroid falls on Hanna Montana (also Crista Flanagan). Her identity is pointed out. Two minutes later, the bit is over.

Hancock bit – How are they allowed to use the real names?! Same gag as in the Hancock trailer – all they could’ve seen, as this was released, what, two weeks after Hancock? One minute.

Our main characters (Will, Amy, Calvin, Juno) hide in a warehouse set. A “Sex and the City” moment arrives, and it’s arbitrary now to point out how arbitrary is. The joke: The “Sex and the City” girls are played by men. Juno gets involved, and I am not counting her more esoteric references (i.e. Rocky IV, a hugely obscure film, by S&F standards). An unlikable fight proceeds, with a You Don’t Mess With the Zohan moment tossed in, because horrid smacking and groin-hitting and head-bonking is all they know any more. Two and a half minutes.


As a break from the useless parodies of other films, the four characters just stand around motionlessly and try deciphering the plot. This is obviously a fruitless enterprise, so instead everyone just gets covered in Juno’s “water.” Wow, remember when Nickelodeon used to coat its actors in Slime™ on an hourly basis? This is the same thing now, only the Ooze™ is given obscene designations, like pus or snot or mucus or cum.

Will dreams, as good an excuse as any for [rolling The Wheel of Movies Released in the First Half of 2008]…Jumper.

Rolling that wheel again, it “punchlines” with The Chronicles of (G)Narnia: Prince Caspian. The “Jumper” guy is called “the guy that ruined Star Wars.” Presumably they mean Hayden Christensen, who is not the actor here, nor the character he’s playing, and besides, George Lucas ruined Star Wars, so that was a lot of effort to no end.

In my ranting about that, I’ve passed over another jokeless moment of non-movie parody. Now everyone is arbitrarily (I need a thesaurus) in the streets.

And one of them is in the Natural History Museum. I realize I cannot tell the non-Juno females apart, for they’re all the same bronzed, brunette, Kardashianesque slice of skanky blandness. And while I was relating that, an AT&T ad got S&Fed up.

Okay, so…Amy is in the Museum, it’s Lisa who’s with Will, Calvin and Juno. Not that it matters. Like Cloverfield, they’re going to a place now. Plots! And Kim Kardashian is suddenly killed by an asteroid, resolving one of my lesser problems with this movie.

As if by clockwork, Lisa’s absence is suddenly filled in by “Enchanted Princess” (Nicole Parker knows no shame). Because the word “enchanted” is non-copy-writable, though Enchanted is. Great, so two bland guys, Juno and a grotesque Amy Adams rip-off are now all uselessly strolling together. I doubt S&F saw any of these movies (though they had 3/4ths of a year to see Enchanted). This bit persists, with “Prince Edwin” so…two minutes.


Step Up/Step Up 2 both namedropped. You know what this means? Again a dance substitutes for a fight, as in half of Meet the Spartans. Two minutes.

Jesus, these sketches don’t even vary in their duration!

“We need a hero!” “I am Iron Man.” From Iron Man. Remember that?

A cow crushes Iron Man.

Enter Hellboy…from Hellboy (Hellboy II, more likely). A cow crushes him. I sense this movie’s Pit of Death equivalent.

The Incredible Hulk now. I anticipate cow as they instead deliver the same underwear-ripping gag from, oh, two minutes after Stan Lee invented the Incredible Hulk. Then a cow hits him.

They repeat the AT&T ad pastiche thing, having run out of superhero movies specifically released in ’08.

Hiding in another…vague interior setting. Another pause from shenanigans for directionless dialogue. Enchanted Princess eats glass and bleeds profusely – this is possibly the closest thing to a joke we’ve seen so far. Meanwhile, I belch.


The soundtrack would have me believe they’re doing Get Smart now – parodying a parody?! Naturally, it ends in one of the central tasteless gags: Facial shit smearing. It’s gross, but the “shit” looks like clay, so [here I run out of immediate comment]. Three minutes later, I realize the characters haven’t moved their legs once, to excuse S&F from the complexities of blocking a scene.

I now don’t know what’s happening so – Oh sweet tap-dancing Christ, it’s Alvin and the Chipmunks! They rap – rap is inherently funny, in the S&F universe. I hate life. (Then we switch musical genres, for death metal. God, this “joke” could perpetuate endlessly.) I anticipate a two minute duration for this apocalypse, so in actuality…

Well, two minutes in it transforms from singing to a fight, centered around a chipmunk gnawing on the lead’s testicles. I think I saw the Mini Me do this once. It goes without saying that was funnier. And this gonad-centric fight goes on for…three minutes.

Meanwhile, Juno is now dead, which fills me with no emotions whatsoever.

Head On ad? It only warrants one minute. By the repeated use of the classy word “motherfucker,” it’s evident I’m watching the Unrated Version. Why?!?!?!?!

Back on the streets, for second unit shots of 1/50th Armageddon.

Wait, they weren’t out of superheroes – Batman! The Dark Knight, though there’s nothing here to indicate that was the specific intent. Two minutes – two minutes of Batman talking (and it’s not even a Christian Bale impersonation, it’s just a dude discussing masturbation). Cow? No, Batman’s grappling hook gives him the needed slapstick sendoff.

Enchanted Princess murders Speed Racer (from Speed Racer) with a glock for his Mach 5 ½. I’m not sure what I’m watching any more. One minute of gunshots. You know, overly long gags only work when you also include something other than just overly long gags.

A Michael Jackson impersonator is in the trunk – rather, he seems an impersonator of the impersonator from Scary Movie 4 – that’s how far we’ve dropped.


We’re now at the climax, a full hour in, at the Museum of Natural History. Only Will, Calvin and Enchanted Princess remain, finding Amy impaled “comically” on a spear. It having been a while, we get one of those “character” scenes which serve no purpose. I fall silent at the cruel slapstick it contains. One minute (but it felt like two).

Amy pulls the crystal skull out of her vagin- Hey, how ‘bout them Bears? For idiots, they discuss the plot of Crystal Skull, then point out it’s the plot of Crystal Skull, only it really isn’t the plot of Crystal Skull, because S&F hadn’t seen Crystal Skull when they filmed this, so it really has nothing to do with Crystal Skull.

A Night at the Museum? Yeah, makes sense you’d do this in a Natural History Museum setting. No jokes occur, though – not even a groin attack.

“I am Beowulf!” Huh, was Beowulf released in…the winter of ’07? Guess so, otherwise it wouldn’t be here. Oh gay panic jokes, how I missed you since Miss the Spartans! But one mere minute.

Kung Fu Panda (it’s assumed – wrongly – that’s what the Kung Fu Panda hero was called) fights Calvin. What the hell for? Well, nearing the end of the year’s checklist of references, even the scantest justification isn’t coming. Three minutes – god this is predictably unpredictable!

Meanwhile…Will still fights Beowulf. Repeating “I am Beowulf!” apparently stands for a joke, because, well, me might’ve said it once in the trailer. One minute.

More Crystal Skull – in the opening set from Raiders, because why watch a whole series when you can just watch the first ten minutes? Tony Cox (the omnipresent black dwarf who owns these S&F travesties) plays Indiana My-Ass, I think is his name. After a motionless discussion about whoring and sex (the fall-back for every inserted pop cultural character), Cox delivers his Indy-specific joke: Failing to swing on his whip. Take that, Lucas!

Will now does a replay of Cox’s whip joke. But they play it without the “joke” – the only one they had worked out, so…Okay, the skull is on its altar, the needed movie-ending moment, so END END END END END!!!


Will and Amy are wed by the Guru Shitka – Was The Love Guru needed to be – Okay, why do I still have the capacity to identify a Love Guru pastiche here in 2011?!

Now Will has a guitar – NOOOOO! He sings (unrated) “I’m fucking Matt Damon.” Oh, you’re referencing that now?! You do know it was a joke to begin with? It plays like the celebratory song-and-dance number at the end of more joyous comedies (i.e. The Blues Brothers, and not this), with each character announcing whom he or she fucks. Here’s the progression: Amy: Hanna Montana: Flava Flav: Juno: Hellboy: the Hulk: Iron Man: Enchanted Princess: Sabretooth (aka “Wolf”): the “Sex and the City” gals: Batman: Amy Winehouse: Jessica Simpson: Carmen Electra: Anton Chigurh: Justin Timberlake: an underwear model: Prince Caspian: the High School Musical children: Barack Obama: Indiana Jones: Hancock: Beowulf: Kung Fu Panda: Michael Jackson: the Chipmunks: a cow.

Take a bow, all you worthless shitheels!

End credits. Twelve minutes.

I’m starting to think this S&F career is a performance art project which has gotten seriously out of hand.


RELATED POSTS
• No. 1 Date Movie (2006)
• No. 2 Epic Movie (2007)
• No. 3 Meet the Spartans (2008)
• No. 5 Vampires Suck (2010)