Okay, now where were we? Ah yes, The Gods Must Be Crazy had received its automatic sequel, The Gods Must Be Crazy II, an abortive, nine-years-later cash-in – this pretty much spelled the premature end for The Gods Must Be Crazy (TGMBC) as a franchise. Enter Hong Kong, whose own film industry was nicely prospering throughout the 80s and 90s, effectively building off of wuxia martial arts culture. A large part of their film style, with its emphasis on the physical, ended up becoming greatly comic – see the slapstick antics of Jackie Chan, Stephen Chow and Sammo Hung.
These efforts are heavily influenced by American comic actors of the 1920s, notably Buster Keaton and Charlie Chaplin. This ancient era was also a strong influence on the TGMBC movies, so it makes a certain roundabout sense that the Chinese would wrest control of the flailing Africomedy series. Besides, the comic-physical emphasis TGMBC boasted was incredibly popular among Hong Kong audiences, so future entries made by them, for them just could work.
Indeed, three more TGMBCs were rapidly made within the Hong Kong sphere, headed by producer Charles Heung. Here’s the man responsible for the careers of Chow Yun-fat, Jet Li, Stephen Chow…no slouch! (His Triad background doesn’t hurt.) Teamed with famed Hong Kong screenwriter Barry Wong (to whom John Woo dedicated Hard Boiled – no slouch!), Heung set about creating Crazy Safari.
Well…Crazy Safari is but one of the names enjoyed by The Gods Must Be Crazy III. The Gods Must Be Crazy III is another of those names, along with N!xau the Bushman and Vampires Must Be Crazy (I’ll ignore the zaniness inherent in that last title for now…).
(All in all, Heung’s TGMBC follow-ups count as the official licensed sequels. That means I must ignore the spuriously-named cash-ins – oh yes, people spent the early 90s cashing in on a 1980 South African comedy – such as Yankee Zulu and Jewel of the Gods. For what it’s worth, these were South African attempts, taking advantage of the combined success of the Hong Kong movies and the Indiana Jones series, and are to TGMBC as Transmorphers is to Transformers.)
So…TGMBCIII (the official sequel we’re here to consider). A Chinese response to a South African response to old American movies…This oughta be pretty bizarre. But let’s give it a chance. At the very least, let’s review a plot synopsis, and see how long it takes for something out-of-place to pop up…
Xixo’s village is beset by a hopping vampire as –
[Comical record screech.]
A what?!
Hopping vampires, or Jiang Shi, are mythological creatures from Cantonese folklore. According to legend, when a poor family member died far away from home, a Taoist priest was hired to take the body back to familiar ground, where it could rest in peace. Like some sort of Chinese Monty Python routine, the priests would transport whole rows of corpses along on bamboo sticks, which caused the cadavers to bounce up and down as though hopping. They also rang bells to warn people the dead were jumping. These fearsome beasts became a common fixture of 1980s Hong Kong comedies, especially the Mr. Vampire series (which I’ll get to some day).
What does any of this have to do with The Gods Must Be Crazy?!
It has nothing to do with it. It’s a bizarre mash up, pure and simple, in hopes to capitalize on two inexplicably popular things (The Gods Must Be Crazy and Mr. Vampire), no matter how it’s less chocolate and peanut butter and more open wound and salt. And the sense of humor has shifted accordingly, as we lose Jamie Uys’ occasional exactitude for director Billy Chan’s humor-by-way-of-flailing. Characters just shriek, yell and mug for all its worth, which I believe in the past I’ve compared to college sketch comedy troupes. Oh, and the vampire hops, which is meant for about 50% of the komedy.
Sotheby’s, London (though not by that precise name) has a hopping vampire up on the auction block, which I’m sure is a common occurrence. Comically inept buffon Leo (Sam Christopher Chow) acquires the beast, under the tutelage of his Taoist priest, Master HiSing (Ching-Ying Lam, a different Taoist priest in Mr. Vampire – ooh, typecasting!). (Also, the vampire is played by Lung Chan – or Chan Lung, depending on naming convention.) The vampire, a 15th century Chinese nobleman turned hopping amusement, is Leo’s ancestor, and is due back in China soon. To control the monster, a yellow card must be affixed to its forehead (shades of golem rustling); for it to hop towards you, ring a bell. Now you have your very own domesticated blood-sucker. (Establishing early on this film’s abhorrence for reality, we even see the Jiang Shi presented alongside an irascible European vampire.)
Our heroes are transporting their prized vampire back east, when their airplane (going from London to Hong Kong) gets extremely sidetracked – that is, it gets lost somewhere over Botswana. That’s about 5,000 miles off course! Eh, reality, schmeality. So by this inexplicable comic mishap, our heroes are deposited in the Kalahari Desert (I assume, as it’s never spoken – in English). Their vampire even parachutes out, having hopped its vampiric way right out of the airplane! And separated from its masters – it’s just like the story of a boy and his dog.
On the ground are familiar bushmen, again accompanied by a detached and wry narrator – Stephen “Kung Fu Hustle” Chow! Sadly, I watched the Cantonese version (seeing as there’s no Region 1 version of this thing), meaning…well, I pretty much didn’t catch any dialogue. So I’m going off of visuals, mostly, and the surprising excess of dialogue in English.
Anyway, the bushmen confront a mass of obviously villainous white folk, spearheaded (as it were) by Ilsa-esque blonde militant hippy Susan (Michelle Bestbier). This token, card-carrying villain has aims on Xi’s tribe, as it exists over a natural deposit of diamonds – it occurs to me villainy in Africa is oft predicated upon this fact. And oh yeah, Xi! Superstar franchise headliner N!xau is back, exclamation point and all! (This whole movie is one huge exclamation point!) So props to Heung, for maintaining purest sequel continuity. Lord only knows what N!xau, the Namibian subsistence farmer suddenly headlining an international film franchise, made of all this, or what he even understood!
Our noble bushmen (who are now represented more as “ooga booga” spear-chuckers now the tact-challenged Chinese are running things) are nearly done for, when ol’ hopper falls from the sky and promptly gives the evil Caucasians what fer. Losing its protective forehead paper, the cadaver leaps about in a most bunny-like manner, with generous application of wire-fu. It torments everyone, in purest Mario fashion, until Xi quells the beast with its paper – Xi is a remarkably quick study to the specifics of East Asian mythological monsters. And because the tribal peoples of Africa apparently wear bells at all times, in Hong Kong’s assessment, the vampire obediently follows them home.
Leo and HiSing are our fish out of water today, taking to savannah life much like their white predecessors – that is, with comic incompetence. And to give a sense of how this comedy is played, let me transcribe some of the non-diagetic sound effects we’re graced with: “Vroop vroop vroop boing dwoink splat!” That is a direct quote. Yeesh, this are FX the Looney Tunes wouldn’t’ve used! (And in their travails against the standard TGMBC wildlife footage, another erstwhile franchise constant makes itself known – the unbelievably fake rhinoceros.)
Realizing (after an encounter with baboons) that they have to locate their missing vampire, HiSing rides an ostrich. (Today I am going to write so many sentences I myself cannot believe.) Leo is dragged along behind the bird, gaining altitude via parachute. By this means, Leo locates Xi’s distant tribe. Parking their ostrich, the Asians decide to trek there.
At the village, the vampire has taken the stead this series once held for Coke bottles – that is, it is a new work tool for our bushmen. Just picture it, the culture clash between bouncy Chinese corpses and Botswanan aborigines! It’s the original Odd Couple! (Actually, it’s damnably abstract, equally arbitrary, and as far from Uys’ foundations of social satire as these films can get.) And just how does one utilize a vampire-qua-tool? Well, you could have it bounce into a tree repeatedly, thus shaking out its fruit. One could also…er…um…actually, that’s all they came up with. Methinks this not the greatest crossover of all time.
Ultimately HiSing and Leo greet Xi and his pals, and are graciously welcomed into the tribe. HiSing also has an extremely terrifying non sequitur encounter with a freaking gigantic snake (the length and thickness of a fire hose). In any other movie this would count as a Big Lipped Alligator Moment – only we’ve just scratched the surface of wackiness served up by TGMBCIII.
Individual segments of silliness chronicle the culture clash between Xi and HiSing – now this is what TGMBC movies are about. The most amusing bit involves HiSing’s sudden realization that he needs T.P. and a private place to squat. And who doesn’t love a 7 minute-long routine about a Taoist priest struggling to defecate all throughout a Botswanan village? (That this too must climax with a snake – a cobra – suggests director Chan has a certain obsession. Then HiSing uses the cobra as a nunchuck (!!!).)
Also, HiSing teaches Xi the art of kung fu, in the worst orange filter I have ever seen.
But throughout all these adventures, our heroes never once run across their beloved vampire – because it seems searching the huts is out of the question (and the beast is simply in a hut). Instead, HiSing performs his black Taoist magic in another hut, by means of – Okay, is Voodoo related to Taoism? (Okay, I guess Voodoo is sorta nondenominational…maybe.) Because HiSing uses a goddamned voodoo doll to control the vampire’s every move. And if you’ve somehow thought this movie was so far lacking in overt wakka wakka nuttiness, well, today is Christmas. The vampire, under HiSing’s command, proceeds to act out every single physical action the off-screen wire guys can think up. It spins, leaps, twirls, beats up countless natives, and goes on an all out rampage. They even play that crazy Russian sword dance song whose name I cannot place. By the end, the entire village is decimated, because there’s nothing funnier than rendering subsistence farmers homeless.
Sadly, there must be an end to wackiness, in the heartfelt, tearful reunion of Taoists and vampire. Prized corpse back in their possession, HiSing and Leo attempt to take their leave. Xi has other ideas re: vampire ownership (oh, so now he understands ownership – see previous entries). Xi and HiSing go all Dueling Bells, vampire in the middle like a confused puppy. Then HiSing tells the vampire to KILL – it is only stopped at the last moment. But having made his Taoist point, HiSing (and Leo) lead their monster hopping away.
With them gone, Susan can come in with the full force of her evil native tribe. (Imagine the worst misinterpretation of the Zulu, with a little Polynesian inexplicably thrown in – What is this, Ace Ventura: When Nature Calls?!) She shrieks in purest Ilsa fashion about the diamonds, and is even ready to commit Jeep-assisted infanticide (comedy, folks), when –
Vampire to the rescue! Vampire (I really wish it had a proper name) returns to fight for honor and save the children. They all hug is rotting leg in adoration, as HiSing comes to an understanding with Xi. But then – da dum dum! – an evil bokur arrives to sic his ginormous voodoo zombie on the vampire. … Let me repeat that: It’s now zombie versus vampire! This is nutbars!
The zombie roars like a Hong Kong King Kong. The vampire hops on its zombified head for a bit, then switches up and throws the zombie into the clouds. [Dusting off hands.] And that is that.
Only the craziness hasn’t been fully wrung out of this thing yet. HiSing battles the bokur, necromancer versus witchdoctor. They each cast spells to the fullest extent of 1993 optical Hong Kong low budget SFX capability. Then, for apparently no reason, the bokur battles a baboon – He lives in the Kalahari, why is this a threat to him?! No matter, such a fight is loud and chaotic, which is “good” by Billy Chan’s standards. And when the baboon is killed (oh yeah), HiSing goes on to –
Okay, get a grip. Maybe it makes sense in China. Maybe there, this is a natural fallout of the hopping vampire premise. HiSing transfers the baboon’s soul into Leo! Leo now shrieks and capers, and handily bonks the bokur. Victory achieved, the monkey’s transparent soul floats up to the heavens – Oh…kay.
But now Xi is in trouble! (Geez, this is like a sugar rush story a child improvises.) Leo has his latest left field solution, as his pockets are full of “The Heroes of the East.” It’s actually just a bunch of photographs of Bruce Lee, greatest martial artist of all time, so –
They’ve done it again! Here I thought the movie was already at 11, but nooooo. HiSing transfers the ghost of Bruce Lee into Xi. Well enough, I suppose, that’s normal and all, except…
Oh, poor Bruce. You really are the most over-exploited dead celebrity ever. Unlicensed, strangely rotoscoped footage of “The Dragon” is intercut with the sudden kung fu antics of Bruce Xi. They even employ a (credited) synth bastardization of Lalo Schifrin’s score from Enter the Dragon! They’ve really gone off the deep end here.
Well, nothing will top that, so the movie’s basically over. A helicopter conveniently arrives to take the Asians and their vampire back to Hong Kong. But Xi’s people shall not be deprived of their sudden vampire-shaped void. HiSing has constructed for them a life-size hay vampire effigy, for the Africans to debase themselves before from now on. Verily, a dark new religion has been formed. How’s that for a cultural contribution?
This overall nuttiness is a breath of fresh air, in that it’s among the stranger things I’ve seen in a while. But for how ridiculous TGMBCIII appears to Western eyes, it must’ve been triumphant enough in Hong Kong – two more sequels were made before the franchise was retired. Now, these movies I cannot find anyplace…maybe if I went down to Chinatown, I could find a bootleg entirely without subtitles or anything…but I doubt it. Instead, what scant info can I dredge up about N!xau’s final films?
The Gods Must Be Crazy IV (1993) – Like all good Hong Kong movies, this film takes on a truly staggering number of alternate titles when translated into English. It is known as Hong Kong is Also Crazy, and Crazy Hong Kong. And with the Kalahari Desert having been parched of all narrative usefulness (I mean, once they’ve gone “vampire,” there’s not much else you can do), this series’ setting is switched up for the very first time. (I’m kind of amazed, actually, that TGMBCIII was filmed in Africa.) At last Xi makes it to the big city – Hong Kong – as the fish-out-of-water element is reversed at last. I thought this notion should’ve been the framework of Part Two. Of course, I really doubt the Chinese would have the proper ratio of satire and respect Uys would’ve brought to this notion.
The Gods Must Be Crazy V (1994) – Also known as An African Superman or The Gods Must Be Funny, TGMBCV sees Xi (or possibly he’s now just called N!xau, if IMDb is to be believed) stranded in China once again – but apparently rural China. You know, when you’re forcing his collision with one distant nation thrice in a row, things get a little strained. Wildlife footage seems to remain, pandas now fulfilling that role. They’re also a poaching target, hence the villains. And all reviews I find lambast the film for an overreliance on the wackiness and cartoon sound effects the franchise is known for – and apparently they’re actually increased tenfold for this entry. Oddly enough, it seems Jamie Uys made a triumphant directorial return for the finale, teaming up with Chinese director Kin-Nam Cho.
Here was the end of the franchise, all filmmakers worldwide deciding they’d exploited their bushman star long enough. For a series that was pretty “woogie woogie” right out of the gate, it seems things descended straight into extreme juvenilia. And of course the more niche you make a series, the less audience for it there is. Money had been made, time had been wasted, and it was time for everyone to go their separate ways.
Star N!xau returned home to Namibia, foregoing his life as an actor to resume a humble life as a farmer. N!xau spent his final years harvesting corn, pumpkins and beans, and herding no more than 20 cows – seeing as he couldn’t count beyond that. He passed away in 2003.
Related posts:
• No. 1 The Gods Must Be Crazy (1980)
• No. 2 The Gods Must Be Crazy II (1989)
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