It might seem weird to create a sequel to a crossover, but that’s just what Universal did with their monster mash ups, the ancient standard setter for the rules of crossovers. The fact with Universal crossovers, as well as all those to follow, is that desperation rules. This is like artificial life-support to aid a dying franchise (or several) with increasingly questionable decisions. Maybe toss in a third recognized monster, because by the second time, the mere novelty of the matchup has faded.
The double-coloned AVPR: Aliens vs. Predator: Requiem doesn’t bother to do that, settling to just extend the gripping narrative from the “original” AVP: Alien vs. Predator. So it’s just aliens and Predators…again.
Now, AVPR: Aliens vs. Predator: Requiem is a pretty danged stupid title, and that subtitle is even more unhelpful than most arbitrary sequel subtitles. But what on earth could you call a sequel to Alien vs. Predator without it sounding stupid? Let’s see…
Aliens vs. Predator 2
Aliens versuses Predators
Aliens vs. Predator vs. Ash
House of Predator
Alien Versus the Volcano
Aliens vs. Predator: Superstar Monster Kablooey Butt Smash!
Alien vs. Pooh (this is a real thing)
You see, conceptually this film is screwed! And with the colon and everything, it’s easy to miss that “Alien” has been pluralized.
But wait, it involves that Predator/alien hybrid the first one should’ve been about, and it takes place on Earth proper (a long-held ideal for Alien fans), and it’s rated R, so even though continuity between the two franchises was given a shallow grave long ago, it could still be stupid monster fun, right?...Right?
Well, a competent director can enliven anything, so how’re we doing on that front? Hmm, we’ve got the Brothers Strause (that’s how they actually credit themselves), who have experience as…former special effects guys and ILM-rejects. Guys whose idea for the first AVP was roundly rejected by Fox – and we know how picky they are. Ooh, my confidence is inspired! Maybe the grip could direct the next one.
Okay, but at least the screenwriter could be good. So what else has this Shane Salerno fella done?...Um, Armageddon. Ooh, there goes that confidence again!
But let’s let the movie speak unintelligibly for itself. And you know what? The franchises have crossed the hurdle! I officially no longer think about the classics with these later entries. The series has entered 1960s Godzilla territory. Quality was never even an issue; this movie is totally nutbars.
Remember that final shot of AVP, with the Predator/alien hybrid bursting forth from the chest of incompetent Predator Scar? It’s the whole basis of this thing! So that scene is replayed for us at the start, which is surprisingly not redundant (heck, it’s no full-movie recap). The hybrid monster, lovingly christened the Predalien, seemingly grows up in an instant (get used to their biology making no more sense, and no longer mattering). It then proceeds to single-handedly take out a ship full of the most incompetent Predators in the whole wide world. And of course these dummies have filled their ship with jars full o’ facehuggers, the little alien-laying devils, so when the ship crashes in Colorado (Earth), a proper alien infestation can accompany the Predalien’s predictable rampage.
A few of those facehuggers make an instant beeline upon crash-landing, rushing through an Ewok forest straight to a hunter and his young son. Your ability to enjoy this film even on its own merits depends upon how you take the next news – a facehugger impregnates the boy. (The dad too, natch.) All the usually off-limits victims perish throughout the flick. You adjust your moral settings accordingly – I feel bad for doing so.
We see the Predator planet for the very first time on film, in all its CGI glory. Again, I’ve opposed the intrusion of CGI into these franchises, but we’re so beyond the pale at this point that I’m willing to go with this movie’s own stupid excesses. A single Predator gets word of the ship’s crash, told to us through a lengthy mass of unwatchable Predator visual spectra. It arms itself and heads out to Earth alone – the intent, seemingly, is to eradicate the growing alien infestation. The beast’s approach proves both ill-planned and unsuccessful – again, this has ceased to bother me.
Okay, you knew this next bit of terror had to happen at some point. Time to meet our human characters, ‘cause as awesome as it would be, studios wouldn’t be brave enough to depict nothing but aliens and Predators. It’d be like an R-rated WALL-E. These characters are the flattest, least appropriate portrayed in either franchise, living in some Off-World version of a CW teen soap. Again, I now do not care, because the first deaths have already convinced me to ignore the humans entirely this time.
Anyway, returning to the small town of Gunnison is ex-con Dallas Howard (Steven Pasquale – a no name), whose former crime is never even hinted at. Seemingly, Dallas (tiresome name connection to the first Alien) is best buds with Gunnison’s Sheriff Eddie (John Ortiz – a no name) – sure, movie, I’m just going along with all of this.
Separately, these is also Dallas’ younger brother Ricky (Johnny Lewis – a no name), the town pizza boy. He has the hots for bland blonde babe Jesse (Kristen Hager – a no name), and is opposed by her remarkably douche boyfriend Dale (David Paetku – a no name). Yadda yadda, Dale beats up Ricky and hurls his keys into the sewer, blah blah, I can’t name any lame TV teen dramas for jokes’ sake. I thought this key thing was a set up for a tense retrieval scene late in the film, and was surprised when instead it takes place before the aliens show up. And though all this stuff is most tiresome, it’s shot quickly enough to allow occasional scenes of the aliens rampaging through the forest – with no vicious animal maulings, a true missed opportunity.
Ready for another, totally unrelated human subplot? Too bad, ‘cause here it comes anyway. Former U.S. soldier Kelly (Reiko Aylesworth – a no name) has just returned home from The War for a tearful reunion with her family – daughter Milly (Ariel Gade – a no name) and husband Tim (Sam Trammell – a no name). There is no more content to these lengthy scenes, so there is no more commentary.
The facehuggers in the forest go and reenact a scene straight out of The Blob – the mere fact this movie uses the most standard of all monster movie storylines should tell you of its ambitions. It breaks no new ground in this form, merely plopping in xenomorphs and Predators into the mix, to see how they handle the world’s deadliest clichés. Anyway, this sewer hobo (unknown – a no name) finds a facehugger; it finds his esophagus. Another one enjoys his dog – sadly, we get no aliens with distinguished dog-like properties, ‘cause screw referencing Alien3! Then some random lady just up and appears (boy, crowded sewer!) and the first adult xenomorph enjoys itself a snack. Yeah, didn’t take too long for those things to mature.
This sewer scene sets a sad standard the rest of the film shall adhere to – it is way too dark to see anything! This is perhaps the strongest criticism of this movie, because unlike the cookie cutter plot, cardboard characters or sheet metal dialogue (huh?), this does matter.
Now the Predator arrives on Earth to start its quest of covering up any evidence of xenomorphs. The first thing it does is find the downed ship and explode it with a nuke. Yeah, guy, ain’t no one seeing that.
Momma Kelly puts her daughter Molly to bed. It does the same to me…
Now a search party full of townsfolk wanders through the forests at night, looking for the missing hunters. The Predator finds the hunters’ corpses first, and uses Gatorade Cool Blue to disintegrate their bodies entirely (ah, entirely new CGI gore effects). For as much difference as it makes, this Predator really should have just exploded the entire Earth from orbit and saved itself some work; it’s what I would have done. Maybe it should’ve contacted the MiB. (Reedit: The Predators in Predators are smarter than this.) Anyway, there is one straggler to the search party, a dopey deputy (lowest survival rate of any movie character type). This one doesn’t survive the next fifteen seconds, as the Predator chooses to satisfy its contractual human murder before going back to being basically a good guy.
Morning character scene in a diner. Dallas is here. So is Eddie, and some doomed waitress I never bothered to identify. And, yes, The Blob largely involved a diner.
Back in the forest that day, another stupid cop wanders along. Before I begin to despair of a repetitive body count pattern, this guy discovers the former deputy’s corpse skinned and strung in a tree surrounded by ugly CG flies. (Nice one, Predator, destroy the aliens’ evidence but leave your own. I think he’s just jealous of the other monster’s handiwork.)
That romantic teen subplot between Ricky and Jesse has been thankfully neglected, but here it comes. They have character stuff I ignore in favor of whatever the Internet has on it. Then they set up a date that night, to go swimming at the school. Ah, blatant, awkward setups for future set pieces!
Around this time in the original AVP, the humans were just discovering that danged pyramid, and the monsters had barely showed. But here, the Predator has an epic monster mash with several xenomorphs in the sewers. This scene is notable because it introduces another weapon into the Predator’s arsenal, roughly the twentieth. This is a laser-sight proximity mine that seems to do whatever the screenwriter wants at any given moment. The fight goes on for a bit, lighting making it somewhat unclear, until finally the remaining xenomorphs leap up through the manholes into – Main Street U.S.A.!
Ah yeah! Again, for as stupid as the continuity is to get us to this point, once the beasties are rampaging through Americana as opposed to yet another spaceship hallway, I forgive a lot. And really, this movie is just an excuse to play out a bit of Alien fan fiction, with occasional moments with the Predator to justify its connection to AVP. And truly, this is the Aliens to AVP’s Alien, with an equivalent drop in IQ as with AVP.
So, that poor diner waitress? We knew she’s not long for this world, because she’s a minor character and has committed no wrongs whatsoever. The Predalien (who I find myself usually confusing for either a Predator or an alien – poor design) grabs her, and does…something. A chef character is suddenly introduced, then killed the instant we’re aware of his existence.
My notes for this movie include the word “kill” 21 separate times. How’s that for a telling fact?
Brief character scenes appear to give off the impression all this has a point.
It turns out there’s a man who works at the power plant. Now that we know about him, a xenomorph can eat him. Oh, and power goes out in town. (A scene later on reveals the plant is on fire, an effective moment of suggesting total chaos.)
Ricky meets up with Jesse for their gay little pool swim. I am spared an undoubtedly tiring character scene because the Blu-Ray skips. When it calms down, Dale and his duo of douchebag dudes are also there (I don’t care why). A xenomorph is also there, because this movie is totally losing control. Since those two douches don’t have names, it kills them. The others escape.
Meanwhile, at Kelly’s house – Remember her? The former Army soldier and her family. Yeah. Her daughter Molly spies an alien trampling through the flower bed (using night vision goggles Kelly totally shouldn’t have been able to bring home). The movie briefly toys with the old “there are no monsters” routine, but it’s been like a whole minute since a gratuitous death, so the alien goes and kills husband Tim. Wife and daughter get to stand there and watch. Then they run off into the stormy night, and the alien is too busy enjoying a delicious Tim to follow.
If it seems like this film is a series of short, mostly unconnected scenes barely strung together, well, that’s ‘cause that’s what it is! The next bunch of scenes are all so short and pointless, I’ll just sum up the major gist of them. Ricky, Jesse and Dale team up with Dallas and Eddie (ostensibly our two main characters, who I’d totally forgotten about). Sheriff Eddie calls up the National Guard. With the whole town descending into chaos, and most of the townspeople killed off in off screen chaos (Gunnison’s population is 5,409), these few inexplicable survivors who’ve done nothing yet to warrant survival opt to go stock up on guns. Considering the low light levels, it took me several minutes to determine they’ve gone to a sports supply store.
Humvees on the horizon indicate the National Guard is here. Of course a trained, well-armed military force never stands a chance against hordes of xenomorphs, even while lone civilians with lesser guns can wipe out vast amounts of them. Naturally, all of these National Guards are killed off in their very first scene, and this movie struggles to decide what randomly introduced new characters it shall kill off next.
It makes up its mind after an inconsequential character scene in the supply store: the hospital! Indeed, the world’s cleverest doctors are busy admitting in countless people with facehuggers hugging their faces (come on, there weren’t that many facehuggers way back on the ship – indeed, the alien hordes here already vastly outnumber the facehuggers earlier). Because this movie is sick, sick, sick, the next thing we see is the Predomorph – excuse me, Predalien – alongside a room full of newborns. You wouldn’t believe what it goes and does. That’s right, they actually went there. (Remember what I said about off-limits victims in this film?)
I’m actually torturing myself with the director commentary while writing this. The directors are wildly masochistic gorehounds (special effects background, remember). They actually cackle in demented glee at these scenes.
A nurse gets introduced, so she gets killed. Then we’re treated to a room full of pregnant women…Oh boy! And yeah, the Predalien attacks them, shoving its tongue deep down one’s gullet, visibly laying eggs. Now…how did this hybrid gain queen qualities, and how did those qualities become so different? Nah, they don’t care. And here’s the answer to where all those aliens are coming from (though not how they’re hyper-aging like Jack): the pregnant woman’s belly [gory, tasteless description omitted for the sake of decorum]. This movie was released on Christmas Day! The Brothers Strouse are gentlemen and scholars.
The monsters finally decide to intersect their random violence with the humans’ “story,” crashing the supply store. Here they fight the Predator, a replay of their former tussles. Two shopkeepers are introduced; they won’t live; their heads asplode. And Dale, the sort of jerky character they always set up in anticipation of a decent death, is caught underneath a xenomorph when the Predator blasts it – thus death by acid! You know, this nonsense would’ve worked better with a Slither sensibility, but it’s really all too amoral and vicious for that.
With all the lack of humanity this movie’s displayed, do we still care if Dallas, Eddie, Kelly et all survive? Of course not, but the plot’s following that thread anyway. So they head outside and commandeer a National Guard tank (the reason for Kelly’s Army experience). Driving along, the soundtrack actively referencing Aliens, Eddie gets on the radio with U.S. Army Colonel Stevens (Robert Joy – a no name). He tells everyone to report to the town center for an airlift evac in thirty minutes. Little do our heroes know, Stevens is really planning an extended Return of the Living Dead reference – that is, he intends to nuke Gunnison.
Kelly questions this order; Eddie doesn’t. They argue loudly in the middle of the streets, somehow not attracting a single beastie. Kelly’s plan, which proves to be the sane one, is to go to the hospital and evacuate in the helicopter. Long story short, Kelly, Molly, Dallas, Ricky and Jesse head for the hospital, along with a new, nameless guy who will surely be the next to die. And I don’t blame you for looking at that mass of character names above with total ambivalence.
They reach the hospital, where that random guy I just brought up who’s about to die dies. Then, maintaining its classy allure, the movie treats us to lengthy shots of the massacred dead – the aliens killed the nurses, the patients, the [deleted for content reasons], they even killed the corpses in the morgue! Then our characters pass into…er, I think it’s the stairwell, this is the darkest scene in a very dark movie. Whatever, something vaguely resembling suspense goes on for a while, and then the Hybridator – I mean Predalien – attacks them. The Predator is there, suddenly remembering it’s half of the title, as it fights the Predalien in the halls. As this melee goes on, the movie checks its list to see who the next characters are in its list of acceptable targets – Jesse and Ricky. They die, though somehow Ricky is dragged along with the survivors up to the end – he dies after the end credits, but he still dies. Trust me.
The humans race up to the roof and run for the helicopter, beset by countless xenomorphs. Dallas now has himself the Predator’s loosened shoulder cannon, with which he kills off the aliens with surprising, acid-free ease. He turns to his pals, and completely bungles Arnold’s “Get to the chopper!” line.
For as much as this movie wallows in literal dead baby comedy, we know Dallas is gonna survive, as are Kelly and Molly (spoilers). That means the instant it looks like the aliens are about to kill him, the Predator makes an entrance. It fights them with yet another new weapon, a whip – I like this. Then Dallas gets to the…helicopter, which takes off with surprisingly no monsters on its skids.
The Predator and Predalien face off for the climactic rain battle – but this is a cliché, so you already knew that. But wait! They almost forgot, the Predator has to take his mask off at some point in the film – it’s in his contract – so the fight has to stall in the final minute for the unmasking. (I don’t even remember the Predator’s face this time.) That done, the monsters kill each other. So, really lame containment plan there, Predator.
The Army nukes Gunnison. Take that, countless innocent civilians! [Sigh.]
You know, the first AVP made a token effort to keep the alien species a secret from human history, in the interest of Alien franchise continuity to come. AVPR has no such compunctions, with those now “in the know” including an ex-con, an ex-soldier, a little girl, and countless Army guys.
Someone else who knows is – drum roll please – Ms. Yutani. How ‘bout that, Alien fans? There’s something wrong with this, but I’m not sure how to put it. Ms. Yutani receives Dallas’ alien cannon from Stevens, declaring “The world isn’t ready for this technology.” To this Stevens says “This technology is not for our world.” Ooh, deep. And…case closed – literally. Stevens closes a case. The end.
I’m going to go against the grain and say that I prefer this one to AVP. I know, I know, this movie’s horrible, I agree. But it isn’t boring, and though it’s morally reprehensible, it knows it’s stupid. Of course all this depends upon your tolerance for ignoring thoroughly useless horror film characters.
But really, my praising this movie slightly more than most people is still splitting hairs; it’s still the death knell for both franchises in their current iteration(s). In the classical era this would be it; the only thing to do now would be to call in Abbott and Costello. But here in the modern cinematic world, audiences are surprisingly more receptive to thinking of franchises qua franchises. Thus it is entirely conceivable for franchise reboots to occur only a few years after the crap entries that necessitated their existence. It’s sort of like puking. The Alien vs. Predator movies might be vomit, but at least now it’s possible for a decent Predator or Alien movie to happen again.
Related posts:
• Alien No. 1 Alien (1979)
• Alien No. 2 Aliens (1986)
• Predator No. 1 Predator (1987)
• Predator No. 2 Predator 2 (1990)
• Alien No. 3 Alien3 (1992)
• Alien No. 4 Alien Resurrection (1997)
• Alien & Predator Nos. 5 & 3 Alien vs. Predator (2004)
• Predator No. 5 Predators (2010)
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